Young Jamie: Kindergarten Cock (Part 3)

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Let’s not beat about the bush here: this is one fucked up kids’ party. Not only is there an adult man there who looks like a) a Wild West saloon owner from 1889, or b) the lost member of the Village People, but also there’s a little blonde child perched on a rock with a mighty blue boner sprouting from his stomach. Plus, the moustache guy’s pissed himself. Was he thinking about the blue boner? Or was he thinking about the dead child with the green trousers who’s lying next to him? Jesus, we really knew how to rock and roll when I was 7. IT’S NOT A PROPER PARTY UNTIL THERE’S A DEAD CHILD LYING AT THE FEET OF A MAN WHO LOOKS LIKE HE’S ESCAPED FROM A TINTIN COMIC. Interesting to note that ‘I wasn’t dancing atall all (sic) through the party.’ Not much has changed. This is because when I dance I look like a spasticated sex offender. Sometimes, my top half will be doing a dance from the 1990s, whilst my legs are pulling off moves from the 1970s. Not a pretty sight. I prefer to stand around looking like I’m above it all, but really it’s because I’m conscious that any very limited sex appeal I might have possessed will be eliminated the second I begin dancing. My rhythmic style could charitably be described as ‘disturbingly epileptic.’ Anyway, back at the party I was content to go around ‘pretending to spray people.’ Maybe that was me with the big blue boner…

On the Death of a Pet – Piece Published in The Cat Magazine

This is a piece I wrote following the death of our family cat a few years ago. The article appeared in various national cat magazines, which is my way of saying that I’m rock and roll. It’s a little departure from normal service, in that I show compassion and sensitivity. Well, as much compassion and sensitivity as a man can show when he’s cynically exploiting the death of an animal to get himself in print. This article should accentuate my humanity, or perhaps confirm that I like animals more than people.

Click on the pictures to view the full-size text. Or, if you’re an eagle just read it as it appears on the page, you show-off.

Young Jamie: Kindergarten Cock (Part 2)

What a nice, caring and sharing child I must've been. You can see from the first panel on the left-hand-side of the page that I've got a new comic. You can also see that I'm rubbing this fact in the face of a poor, sad little baseball cap wearing boy. 'CHECK OUT MY COMIC, YOU PENNILESS OAF! I HOPE YOU'VE GOT GOOD EYESIGHT, PLEB, BECAUSE THIS IS AS CLOSE AS YOU'RE FUCKING GETTING TO IT!' The wee capped guy probably isn't that bothered, to be honest. He's got bigger problems: like being trapped in a cement block without any arms. PS: What in the name of cemented children is a LOINheart? And why was I not content with a single one? Perhaps the comic was pitched at kids who enjoyed raw meat, and so its publishers routinely gave away strange butcher-meat hybrids. FREE WITH THIS EXCITING ISSUE - HALF A POUND OF COCKBRISKET.

What a nice, caring and sharing child I must’ve been. You can see from the first panel on the left-hand-side of the page that I’ve got a new comic. You can also see that I’m rubbing this fact in the face of a poor, sad little baseball cap wearing boy. ‘CHECK OUT MY COMIC, YOU PENNILESS OAF! I HOPE YOU’VE GOT GOOD EYESIGHT, PLEB, BECAUSE THIS IS AS CLOSE AS YOU’RE FUCKING GETTING TO IT!’ The wee capped guy probably isn’t that bothered, to be honest. He’s got bigger problems: like being trapped in a cement block without any arms. PS: What in the name of cemented children is a LOINheart? And why was I not content with a single one? Perhaps the comic was pitched at kids who enjoyed raw meat, and so its publishers routinely gave away strange butcher-meat hybrids. FREE WITH THIS EXCITING ISSUE – HALF A POUND OF COCKBRISKET.

Jamie Andrew on Jamie Andrew

I remember being 18 when Jamie Andrew – the other Jamie Andrew – was in the papers following a mountaineering accident in France. Naturally, I cut the headlines from the front pages and selotaped them to my wall – as you would. Jamie lost his limbs – and his friend – when a snowstorm hit as he was scaling Mount Blanc He was lucky to survive, and paid a high price for it.

Many years later I set up a website to showcase various writing projects and found that I couldn’t use my own name as the domain for the site, because the rather more famous Jamie Andrew had nabbed it. Once everything was up and running I tried googling myself, only to find that I was probably somewhere on page 6,532,000 in the rankings thanks to my brave namesake. I called my website ‘The Magic Torch’ to get around the problem.

Another few years passed. I started playing on the Scottish stand-up circuit as an open spot, which I still am, and reflected on the impossibility of gaining recognition because of the Jamie Andrew situation. There was no malice in this, but I thought I could put together a darkly humorous set by acting like the kind of person who would personally and childishly object to finding his promise of ‘fame’ snatched away from him..

I’d hoped that my on-stage rant would be taken with a pinch of salt, given that it’s very over-the-top and cartoonish. I wanted the audience to realise that being jealous of a quadruple amputee and coveting his fame instantly turned me into an incredibly tragic figure, and certainly not one to be admired. I’d hoped that the laughter would ultimately come not at the other Jamie’s expense, but at mine. Because it was so blatantly pathetic and ridiculous. And because the set wouldn’t be funny at all if the other Jamie wasn’t braver, more noble, more decent and a stronger human being than me. Otherwise I really would just be having a pop at a disabled guy.

I’m not trying to claim that the jokes are somehow devilishly subtle and provide a profound statement on the human condition, or that I’m some angry genius savant, or any guff like that. I’m an amateur stand-up who does coarse and often sick jokes. Tongue-in-cheek, but hardly Hicks.

I only say all of this because tonight I performed my set to an audience which I later discovered included some of Jamie’s relatives. Statistically, it was inevitable that one day this would happen. I’ve always defended my set on the grounds outlined above, but this is harder to do when you’re faced with people who have been directly affected by the issues you’re joking about, and love the person around whom they revolve. I suppose it’s easy to think of a person in the abstract; not really existing outside of a comedy routine.

Well, there was nothing abstract about being advised to sit upstairs to ensure my physical safety after one of Jamie’s relatives became understandably angry. I felt like Salmand Rushdie.

I know I should probably stick with the old maxim, ‘Never complain, never explain,’ but I felt the need to explain that although I tread a fine line in my set I’ve never regarded the other Jamie with anything less than complete awe and respect. I’ve also read his book, which is both heart-wrenching and inspirational in equal measure.

And let’s not forget that – given the amount of time I’ve spent talking about him in my set, –  without him: I’d be nothing.

Now That’s What I Call Funny – @ Glasgow International Comedy Festival

I’m taking part in this three-hander of comedy in Glasgow this March, as part of the Glasgow International Comedy Festival. Do come and have a giggle with me, Richard and Ross. And tell every person you meet about it, and get them to do the same. Your ticket money means the difference between me getting a train home after the shows, or hitch-hiking on the M9.

Click here to buy tickets, which would be a smart move because a) it’s a cosy and compact venue with a limited number of seats, and b) the tickets will go like hot cakes that have been sealed in a rocket and fired into the heart of the sun to make them even hotter. Megan Fox will be in the rocket, rubbing the hot cakes all over her nipples. You get the idea: the tickets will sell fast, right?.

515 NTWICF Poster 2a

Young Jamie: Kindergarten Cock (Part 1)

 

 

P3News2

What the hell is wrong with my teacher? Ever heard of reading between the lines? She just put a tick. If I were my teacher, I’d be writing: ‘You were fighting a fully-grown man? What the fuck is wrong with your family?’ Especially considering that Steven wasn’t just administering a few kidney punches or chest jabs: he was jumping on me from a great height, WWF-style, dressed in a black cat suit. This isn’t a Primary 3 diary: this is the first chapter of ‘A Child Called It!’ Most distressingly of all I appear to have turned into a rabbit. Anyway, glad I started playing with the robot. Maybe it can teach me how to spell ‘Shon’ properly.