Tag Archives: P3

Young Jamie: Kindergarten Cock (Part 6)

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Coasters was a roller-skating rink. It was essentially a giant, health and safety nightmare: you could hire rickety, worn-away boots with wobbly wheels; feel safe under the protective gaze of psychopathically disinterested marshals; navigate a wooden rink that still had nails sticking through it; and embrace a million opportunities to trip over the stalls of the grandstand or tumble down concrete stairs to your doom. Coasters operated at a time when nobody cared if their kid came home with a broken hip, or dead. Anyway, skating wasn't the point. Coasters wasn't really for skating. It was a place where teenage girls went to get fingered. But on wheels! (Richard Desmond, if you're reading this page, now is the best time to commission 'Strictly Come Fingered on Skates' for Channel 5) I remember shitting myself at Coasters - literally shitting myself. Sexy, eh? Right into a pair of Teenage Mutant Hero Turtle orange Y-fronts. Probably mushed the turtle's head right into Splinter's face. I'm pretty sure, given when the Hero Turtles were on TV, that when this shitting occurred I would have been a) way too old to have been wearing Hero Turtle Y-fronts and b) too old to be accidentally shitting myself in public. I whipped them off in the cubicles, smuggled them outside and stashed them under a big pile of litter. Sorry council workers. I know a child's poo pants aren't exactly considered the jewel in the crown of a working day. Anyway, my sister will love this drawing. I've given her the waist, hips and torso of the big black woman from the Tom and Jerry cartoons, plus the haircut of a 53-year-old woman. Not to mention a London police uniform from 1952. And I've made her boyfriend look like Freddy Krueger with bad acne. I wonder where Angelo is now? Probably running a chip shop somewhere. Or a skating rink.

Coasters was a roller-skating rink. It was essentially a giant, health and safety nightmare: you could hire rickety, worn-away boots with wobbly wheels; feel safe under the protective gaze of psychopathically disinterested marshals; navigate a wooden rink that still had nails sticking through it; and embrace a million opportunities to trip over the stalls of the grandstand or tumble down concrete stairs to your doom. Coasters operated at a time when nobody cared if their kid came home with a broken hip, or dead. Anyway, skating wasn’t the point. Coasters wasn’t really for skating. It was a place where teenage girls went to get fingered. But on wheels! (Richard Desmond, if you’re reading this page, now is the best time to commission ‘Strictly Come Fingered on Skates’ for Channel 5) I remember shitting myself at Coasters – literally shitting myself. Sexy, eh? Right into a pair of Teenage Mutant Hero Turtle orange Y-fronts. Probably mushed the turtle’s head right into Splinter’s face. I’m pretty sure, given when the Hero Turtles were on TV, that when this shitting occurred I would have been a) way too old to have been wearing Hero Turtle Y-fronts and b) too old to be accidentally shitting myself in public. I whipped them off in the cubicles, smuggled them outside and stashed them under a big pile of litter. Sorry council workers. I know a child’s poo pants aren’t exactly considered the jewel in the crown of a working day. Anyway, my sister will love this drawing. I’ve given her the waist, hips and torso of the big black woman from the Tom and Jerry cartoons, plus the haircut of a 53-year-old woman. Not to mention a London police uniform from 1952. And I’ve made her boyfriend look like Freddy Krueger with bad acne. I wonder where Angelo is now? Probably running a chip shop somewhere. Or a skating rink.

Young Jamie: Kindergarten Cock (Part 4)

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First off, not a great interpretation of the ‘back-to-front schoolboy’ look. I’ve clearly glued a sanitary towel to a cardboard box, and then put it over my head. Ta-da! Eat your heart out, Gaultier. I don't know. Memory's a tricksy thing. It was all a long time ago. Maybe that was my school uniform. I can't remember. Fanny pad aside, though, how sinister does that combo look? If that’s an accurate representation of how I looked when I was out guising that year, then the mortality rate for old ladies with heart conditions must’ve been unusually high. I look like a Poundland version of Michael Myers: ‘Put the sweets in the bag or prepare to be gored like a bull, my old friend.’ Admittedly, it would’ve been hard to stab anyone without any hands. The text tells us alot. I especially like how my little capitalist brain has ranked my relatives in descending order from highest to lowest based on how much money they gave me. ‘30p? Try not to insult me, cus. Take a leaf out of your maw’s book and give me a quid next time. Grandpa? 50p’s a kick in the nuts, son, and you know it. If you want to top the list next year, you’ll have to dig deeper into that fucking pension.’ Interesting that the teacher has corrected the direction of my pound sign, but left uncorrected the spelling of ‘ant’. Are you saying my mum’s sister’s got mandibles, ya cunt??

First off, not a great interpretation of the ‘back-to-front schoolboy’ look. I’ve clearly glued a sanitary towel to a cardboard box, and then put it over my head. Ta-da! Eat your heart out, Gaultier. I don’t know. Memory’s a tricksy thing. It was all a long time ago. Maybe that was my school uniform. I can’t remember. Fanny pad aside, though, how sinister does that combo look? If that’s an accurate representation of how I looked when I was out guising that year, then the mortality rate for old ladies with heart conditions must’ve been unusually high. I look like a Poundland version of Michael Myers: ‘Put the sweets in the bag or prepare to be gored like a bull, my old friend.’ Admittedly, it would’ve been hard to stab anyone without any hands. The text tells us alot. I especially like how my little capitalist brain has ranked my relatives in descending order from highest to lowest based on how much money they gave me. ‘30p? Try not to insult me, cus. Take a leaf out of your maw’s book and give me a quid next time. Grandpa? 50p’s a kick in the nuts, son, and you know it. If you want to top the list next year, you’ll have to dig deeper into that fucking pension.’ Interesting that the teacher has corrected the direction of my pound sign, but left uncorrected the spelling of ‘ant’. Are you saying my mum’s sister’s got mandibles, ya cunt??

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

NO ENTRIES HERE YET

Young Jamie: Kindergarten Cock (Part 2)

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What a nice, caring and sharing child I must've been. You can see from the first panel on the left-hand-side of the page that I've got a new comic. You can also see that I'm rubbing this fact in the face of a poor, sad little baseball cap wearing boy. 'CHECK OUT MY COMIC, YOU PENNILESS OAF! I HOPE YOU'VE GOT GOOD EYESIGHT, PLEB, BECAUSE THIS IS AS CLOSE AS YOU'RE FUCKING GETTING TO IT!' The wee capped guy probably isn't that bothered, to be honest. He's got bigger problems: like being trapped in a cement block without any arms. PS: What in the name of cemented children is a LOINheart? And why was I not content with a single one? Perhaps the comic was pitched at kids who enjoyed raw meat, and so its publishers routinely gave away strange butcher-meat hybrids. FREE WITH THIS EXCITING ISSUE - HALF A POUND OF COCKBRISKET.

What a nice, caring and sharing child I must’ve been. You can see from the first panel on the left-hand-side of the page that I’ve got a new comic. You can also see that I’m rubbing this fact in the face of a poor, sad little baseball cap wearing boy. ‘CHECK OUT MY COMIC, YOU PENNILESS OAF! I HOPE YOU’VE GOT GOOD EYESIGHT, PLEB, BECAUSE THIS IS AS CLOSE AS YOU’RE FUCKING GETTING TO IT!’ The wee capped guy probably isn’t that bothered, to be honest. He’s got bigger problems: like being trapped in a cement block without any arms. PS: What in the name of cemented children is a LOINheart? And why was I not content with a single one? Perhaps the comic was pitched at kids who enjoyed raw meat, and so its publishers routinely gave away strange butcher-meat hybrids. FREE WITH THIS EXCITING ISSUE – HALF A POUND OF COCKBRISKET.