Tag Archives: funeral

It’s My Funeral and You’ll Cry if I Want To

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Clown-funeralWhat song would you like to have played at your funeral? It’s got to be something uplifting, right? Something that’s going to keep the tears from falling from your mourners’ eyes by reminding them of the good times.

Right?

Wrong.

Fuck that. If you’re coming to my funeral, you’re a convulsing, snottering wreck, or you can get your dry face the fuck out of my swansong. I’m literally going to have doormen throwing people out for not being upset enough:

“Sorry, missus, today’s funeral is a two-wail minimum, and you’ve barely scrounged up a sob. You can leave quietly, or big Davie over there will really give you something to cry about.”

I want ‘Everybody Hurts’ by REM played on a constant loop, and I want people to complain that it’s not sad enough, so someone puts on a tape of dogs being murdered instead. I want people banging on the coffin lid pleading to be buried or burned along with me, because a world without me is simply too nightmarish to contemplate. I want a queue of people lining up to grief-fuck my dead body. I want people openly killing themselves in the aisles. I want my funeral to look like a peasant revolt and sound like a hurricane ripping through a cattery.

I’m really looking forward to my funeral, actually.

I’ve got a few ideas for possible directions I’d like the service to take, if I can get a few volunteers to help make them happen?

  • About half-way through the service, an actor pretending to be a detective bursts in and says, “Jamie was murdered. And someone in this room is the murderer. And we’re not leaving until we find out who.”
  • Pass around song-sheets and make everyone sing organ-accompanied versions of ‘Killing in the Name’ and ‘Straight Outta Compton’.
  • I want a big, fancy funeral, worthy of a president or a pope, so I’m going to secure an obscene amount of funding by allowing Coca Cola to sponsor it. This means that all  speakers will have to endorse the product, but that’s a small price to pay for a platinum gravestone. “I think… the only thing that’s going to… (sniff) get me through this difficult time is the… (sob) sweet, sweet, full-sugar taste of delicious Coca Cola.” My coffin’s going to be shaped like a vending machine. No, scrap that, my gravestone will be a vending machine, so people can enjoy a nice Fanta when they come to cry over my rotting corpse. Plus, everyone’s going to have to wear red and white at the funeral or they’ll be in breach of contract. Passersby will think Santa has died.
  • My face is beamed on to a large screen at the front of the congregation, and I glare out at everybody like an angry God, before yelling: “I’M GOING TO HELL. AND YOU’RE ALL COMING WITH ME! SEAL THESE FUCKERS IN!” At this point, my paid henchmen will lock all the exits, and a smoke machine will start pumping smoke into the room. You’ll just be able to hear my maniacal laughter over the screams.
  • If I’m being cremated, just as the coffin slides out of sight along the conveyor belt and the curtain drops, a stunt-man will run out screaming and covered in flames.
  • Either that or I’ll have speakers in my coffin blasting out the panicked yelps of a trapped cat.
  • I’m going to hire a stand-up comedian for the wake, but they won’t know it’s a wake. They’ll be told it’s a seminar for morticians, and thus will be encouraged to use their sickest material, especially jokes about dead bodies and funerals. I won’t be the only one dead that day.

Thanks in advance, Handinistas.

A Stroke of Luck

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"I didn't say 'bomb Argentina.' I said Ballymena!"

“I didn’t say ‘bomb Argentina.’ I said Ballymena!”

UK chancellor George Osborne revealed today that the coalition has been slashing the welfare budget these past few months so that ‘there would be enough money in the national coffers to give Maggie one almighty whore of a fucking funeral.’

‘We’ve known for some time that The Unspeakable One’s time was drawing near, thanks to an ancient Mayan prophecy that was discovered a few decades ago scrawled in a Guatemalan cave,’ said Osborne. ‘That, and the fact that she’s been shitting herself to death for the past month.’

Iain Duncan Cunt added: ‘We’ve done a whip round of JSA, DLA, pensions and housing benefit, and used the mandatory generosity of the plebs to put together a fitting send-off for the Iron Fuhrer. In a special twist, and just for a laugh, we used some poll tax money as well.’

Tributes were led by David Cameron, who told BBC reporters: ‘I’d’ve done her. And I’m talking up the arse and everything.’ Cameron also praised the ‘hard work of George and Iain’ in securing funds for the funeral, a move he fully supports. ‘The old, the vulnerable and the poor have been plunged deeper into their misery, all in the name of financing Margaret Thatcher’s state funeral,’ continued Cameron. ‘It’s what she would have wanted.’

A massive, gaping hole. Which is just one example of what people are saying about Margaret Thatcher.

A massive, gaping hole. Which is just one of many lovely things that people are saying about Margaret Thatcher.

The funeral itself will take place on the site of one of the coal mines that Thatcher closed down in the 80s. These past few months, MPs have been busy rounding up benefits’ claimants, OAPS and the chronically disabled, who will all be tossed into the mine shaft to form a pyre.

‘We would’ve used coal miners, too,’ smirked Cameron, ‘but we couldn’t seem to find any.’

Once the pyre is in place the corpse of the ex-PM will be lowered into the shaft by telekinesis, powered by Thatcher’s own residual evil. David Cameron will then take his place above the shaft, don a top hat, and spend the next ten minutes using a giant pipe to pump a volatile mixture of petrol and stolen milk into the hole. Boris Johnson will help him toss in the ceremonial Molotov cocktails, as they both piss themselves laughing and give each other high fives. The colossal fire will be used as a backdrop for a night of Tory merriment and ritual slaughter, during which it is expected that at least 50 Guardian readers will be sacrificed. So that’s all of them.

Margaret Thatcher was the United Kingdom’s first female Prime Minister. Now that she’s dead she joins history’s other esteemed female trailblazers, like Elizabeth Bathory, Myra Hindley and Bevery Allitt.

Thatcher’s vengeful return in the guise of an ancient Babylonian demon is expected early next week.

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