Name? The Queen
Occupation? Being queen
What’s that like? It’s a lot like not being the Queen, except with hundreds of millions in inherited wealth and a strong sense of class superiority over everyone else in the country.
What brings you the greatest joy? Eating swans. Who’s going to fucking stop me?
What would be the title of your autobiography? I’m on the Money.
What’s the best advice you’ve ever been given? “Make it look like an accident.”
Prince Phillip is famous for his gaffes, usually involving race. What’s been your favourite one? When he shot our African gardener.
[silence]
It’s okay. He wasn’t hurt. He was absolutely fine. Well, he staved his finger a little, but it didn’t stop him from going out shooting the next day.
Moving on… If you had a tattoo, where would it be? [puzzled look] I do have a tattoo. It’s at Edinburgh castle.
Some would say that your answer to the previous question reeks of privilege. Some should be more mindful of the ‘dark forces’ I keep telling everyone about.
[PHILLIP SHOUTS FROM THE OTHER ROOM] ‘You mean the Indian Army?’
Do fuck off, Phillip!
Who do you miss most? Definitely Camilla. She’s always standing just a little bit too far away when the blunderbuss goes off.
What makes you smile? Nothing. Literally nothing. [thinks] Cows? I guess cows are alright.
Why don’t you smile more often? If you had to sit on a balcony each and every year watching as Joe Pasquale brings the cast of Casualty on stage to sing the hits of Abba dressed as air hostesses, you wouldn’t be smiling either. That, and I’m a 90-year-old woman. Most of my energy goes into not pishing myself. One careless twitch of the lips could turn me into Noel’s gunge tank.
Plus, smiling’s been selectively bred out of my genetic line over the last few hundred years. I can’t tell you how much it’s saved Princess Anne on botox.
What charity do you support? The ‘Keeping Prince Andrew Out of Jail’ charity.
What is your greatest indulgence? Everything, bitches.
What’s your greatest regret? Fergie turning down those complimentary tickets I gave her for a weekend in Paris.
What is on your bucket list? [shakes head] One calls it a Diamante Treasure Chest list.
There’s that elitist vibe again… So what do you want to do before you die? Find another host body.
What???? I mean… em…visit the pyramids.
What are the last three items on your credit card statement? A Faberge Eggcup; professional hit-man; Canada.
What’s your favourite TV show? Game of Thrones. One loves to remember the good old days.
What’s on your nightstand? A knight. What else would one put there?
You can hear yourself, right? Next question: Dark chocolate or milk chocolate?
[PHILLIP SHOUTS FROM THE OTHER ROOM] William’s wedding was definitely better!
Fuck off, Phillip!
What is one thing people would be surprised to learn about you? That I’m definitely *not* an ancient reptile from a distant planet who has come here along with hundreds of my kind to enslave the human race, breed them and eventually devour them like a pile of chicken drumsticks at one of Fergie’s barbecues.
Did you kill Diana? Ye… [wags finger] Nice try, fucko.
Any other fun facts you’d like to share? One’s real name is actually Queeny McQueen Face.
Dogs or cats? Well, one of them is subservient, and the other is cold and aloof. How can one choose between one’s favourite qualities? We’ll call it a tie.
What’s the hardest part about being a mum? Interviewing people for the position of chief nanny interviewer.
Last phone call you made? Elton John, to ask if he had one more ‘Candle in the Wind’ in him.
How do you feel about the controversy with Rolf Harris? Oh disgusting. Disgusting. I don’t know how he can live with himself.
It’s horrible, isn’t it? Of course! It was the worse portrait I’ve ever seen.
No… erm, not the… Not the painting he did of you. The… you know? [blank face] Oh, the thing with the kids? [shrugs] Meh. Yeah. I guess that was kind of bad?
Any plans to retire? [laughs, but without moving her face] When I die I’m going to make sure the staff carry my corpse around and pretend I’m still alive, like ‘Weekend at Bernies’, so that jug-eared cunt of a son of mine never gets the throne.
What’s your strongest feature? My right arm. I do so much waving I’m basically Popeye. It’s left Poor Philip’s cock looking like a crushed Flump.
Who’s your biggest celebrity crush?
[PHILLIP SHOUTS FROM THE OTHER ROOM] Diana!
Fuck off, Phillip!
What do you think when people call you and your extended family a bunch of spongers? We bring in about £55 billion pounds in tourism every year. [scratches head] Or is it £5.68? I have absolutely no concept of money. What I do know is that people will travel thousands and thousands of miles just to stand outside my expensive house waiting for a glimpse of my gloved hand at the window. I’m the Windsor’s Wacko Jacko, Sha-mone! [grabs crotch] Hee hee!
Maybe if the French hadn’t guillotined their Royal Family they’d get more tourists in Paris. Actually, I’ll give the French that. They’re awesome at helping to assassinate Royals…
What did you think of Harry’s wedding? I… eh. I… um. [Queen yanks an axe out from her jacket, spins around, and hurls it at the wall, embedding it in a promo poster for ‘Suits’] It was lovely.
Finally, are you sure you aren’t a shape-shifting reptile? I mean, it makes sense. Elizabeth = Lizard. Camilla = Chameleon. Princess Anne = Princess Anaconda. Don’t be ridiculous. [The Queen’s eye pops out of its socket, and she catches it with her lizard tongue] You should probably just ignore that.
**DISCLAIMER – IT’S POSSIBLE THAT NONE OF THIS HAPPENED**
