The populace being distracted from the actions of a terrible, war-mongering female prime minister by pomp and ceremony. Thank God we live in such drastically different times.

1) Eat a curry made from dead syphilitic rats, Gordon Brown’s pubic dandruff and Anne Widdecombe’s freshly heaved vomit

2) Become the public face of a nationwide campaign to raise money for Gary Glitter’s legal team

3) Get trapped in a lift with an angry Katie Hopkins for six days with Bhangra music playing in a constant loop

4) Collect all of my children’s bogies, compact them into the shape of a giant yellow medicine ball, and then eat it up like a giant Babybell

5) Get ‘Big Mo Sucks the Dick’ tattooed on my back and then go on a naked cycling tour of Iran

6) Have someone rub my skin off with a cheese-grater and then push me into a giant vat of warm tramps’ piss

7) Attend the next Old Firm game in the Rangers end, dressed as Gerry Adams

8) Resurrect Margaret Thatcher, and then watch her walk away without killing her

9) Spend a busy month attending six children’s funerals a day

10) Black up, and run through the London subway system with a rucksack on my back shouting ‘Where’s your God now?’

11) Breed a flock of tiny, genetically-modified Jamie Olivers and then invite them into my home, to care for them until my death, which I’m not allowed to do anything to hasten

12) Attempt to trim my toe-nails using a chainsaw while sitting on top of a washing-machine on spin-cycle that’s on the back of a lorry driving across a crocodile-infested minefield as angry basketball players throw nests of wasps at my head

13) Sit on the top-deck of an open-top bus with my hand masking-taped to disgraced producer Jonathan King’s engorged cock as we drive down a cobbled street for half a day

14) Smear my scrotum with tuna and have a hungry tiger lick my balls

15) Watch Mrs Brown’s Boys