Young Jamie: Kindergarten Cock (Part 5)


This entry documents what was likely my very first encounter with a real, live English person. Not that I was in the habit of socialising with English corpses, you understand (although that would explain a lot). At least this proves I wasn’t exposed to strong anti-Sassenach sentiments in the home. It would have been distressing for me to have come across a childhood diary entry that went like this: ‘Met Bryan from England. Stabbed him for Culloden. Did homework.’ Thankfully, I only assassinated Bryan’s character, not his nationality. Boring. Is there any worse label? Well, OK, ‘murderer’ is slightly worse, and I dare say most light entertainers from the 1970s would kill to be remembered as ‘boring’ right now. It’s not a good thing to be called, though, is it?: ‘Aw, you’re really gonna love Bryan; he’s so boring!!!’ Bryan’s a name that drips with boring anyway. If his parents knew they were going to pass on the STD of dullness to their son they should have taken preventative measures and called him Papa-Zulu, or The Hawk. Or Dancing Peter or something. Did you see what happened in the text though? I didn’t just call Bryan ‘boring.’ I said he was boring ‘aswell.’ As well as me? What a high opinion I had of myself. We probably just sat there in that shed sipping green tea, as I flipped through my stamp collection, and he made a series of withering remarks about how impossibly high the mortgage rate was for first time buyers. Thank god my un-boring cousin turned up to add an exciting dash of bullying into the mix!

Vote for the Dinner Party

'More jelly and ice-cream, Sir Rich Cunt?'

So, a rich, elitist politician in a corrupt capitalist society offers rich CEOs and horrid right-wing sister-fuckers the chance to influence governmental policy for money? The only thing surprising about the recent Cam-for-Cash revelations is our surprise.

Here we have David Cameron, a man whose face tells the story of a weird genetic experiment to meld Buzz Lightyear with a posh monkey-nut, preaching about the Big Society at the same time as he does his utmost to dismantle it. Well, the peasant part of it, anyway.

Goodbye, NHS. It’s OK. Poor people don’t need hearts or kidneys, anyway. That’s a scientific fact. Cheerio, provisions for the old and skint. Want to keep warm, working-class OAPs? Why not make a fire and burn all of your old copies of ‘The Socialist Worker’? You’ll be feeling your fingers and toes again in no time. Auf weidersehen, rights of disabled people on benefits. I know one thing that will help your broken back and crippling depression: a little stint stocking shelves for free down at Tesco, your local, friendly greengrocer.

'Gonnae nonny nonny no dae that?'

Cameron’s been robbing from the poor to give to the rich (and extorting the rich to make the rich richer) from the start. This Cash-for-Goujons debacle is the least of the coalition’s misdeeds. You know a regime’s got a problem with image when its antics begin to make Tory-punching, problem-drinking, schoolgirl-shagging, nutcase’s-nutcase Eric Joyce look like a folk hero by comparison. And, worst of all, I’ve just imagined Eric Joyce decked out in green tights prancing around a forest.

What will we, the people, do? I know what they’d do in France: start burning sheep until Cameron stepped down. But not here. We are the sheep, and we’ve not the wit to realise that the whiff of lamby barbecue in the air drifts from our own scorched backs. We’ll forget this story, and the next one, and the one after that. That’s if we’re watching at all. Isn’t Eastenders on?

That's the smell of you being fucked.

We live in a country where vile politicians who trade in misery are re-elected time and again, while the people who play baddies in soaps get soup cans hurled at them in the street by angry old women years after their career has ended. ‘How could you cheat on oor wee Deirdre, ya animal!’

Politicians have the power to decide how we live and die, but we all find it… well, pretty bloody boring. Certainly not as exciting as the prospect of a nutty slut getting her jubblies out on the next series of Big Brother. But keep an eye on live updates from the Big Brother house in Westminster. Once those old men and women in suits are certain that the TV viewers have fallen into a tedium-sponsored coma, they’ll stop talking about agricultural quotas and caps on this, that and the other, and they’ll turn their attentions to the REAL order of business: building a Death Star.