Tag Archives: Nicola Sturgeon

Quick Guide to Today’s Election Candidates

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I’ve compiled a quick run-down of the prime ministerial/first ministerial candidates and their policies to help you make an informed choice on this historic occasion.

Jeremy Corbyn – Labour

A true community activist, Jeremy Corbyn was a founding member of the IRA (Islington Radicals Association) and is still active in both the PLO (Peckham Leftist Organisation) and ISIS (Ilford Secularists Information Service). When he isn’t politicking, he likes to while away the evenings writing pamphlets, which are then posted through people’s doors by a collective of canvasers, each of whom wears a free-range beret and a badge that says ‘NELSON MANDELA – ALWAYS FREE AT THE POINT OF ENTRY’. The only payment they receive for doing this is a promise they’ll get to decide who’s first against the wall come the revolution. Some of Jeremy’s more popular pamphlets include ‘Nationalising Masturbation: The Hard Questions’, ‘Choosing the Right Balaclava for You’ and ‘Why Pantomimes are Fascist: Oh No They Aren’t, Oh Yes They Are’.

When Corbyn isn’t setting fivers alight just so that he can douse the Queen’s silently burning face with his cold piss, he likes to dress up as Stalin and masturbate gamely over ant colonies.

Five most striking policy proposals

  • A vow to give over all football grounds to Russian turnip farmers
  •  Make it law that the Royal Family must dress in shell-suits and smoke filterless cigarettes
  • New sessions of parliament must be opened with a six-hour long Irish jig with everyone dressed as leprechauns
  • Violent criminals to be given a cuddle and sent on their way
  • Death to the west

Jo Swinson – Liberal Democrats

Jo Swinson comes from a long line of Swins, a name that means ‘pig’ or ‘swine’ in Danish.  Swinson plans to change her name to Swindaughter on the eve of the election, to remind voters that she’s a woman, a brave woman, a strong woman, a real woman’s woman, womany all over, yep, she’s a woman alright, surprised she hasn’t mentioned it – and then a few minutes later she’ll change it to Jo Swintersex when someone in her campaign team points out how violently transphobic she’s being.

‘I’m a woman, my mother was a woman, and I really rather enjoyed both the Ghostbusters and the Oceans Eleven remake,’ Swinson announced at the Lib Dem party conference this year. ‘If I become prime minister, I’ll make sure that they do all-female remakes of Priscilla Queen of the Desert, Dunkirk and a new Cheech and Chong called Debbie and Samantha.’

It’s no secret that Jo Swinson’s life-long hatred of squirrels makes her the most dangerous candidate in this election. She’s already beaten one to death live on TV during Saturday Kitchen, afterwards vowing to eradicate squirrel-kind with a nuclear strike the first chance she gets.

Jo Swinson’s accent has been genetically modified to make her sound gradually less and less Scottish. Certainly no-one from Glasgow, or even her native Milngavnie, sounds like Swinson.  She used to sound exactly like Paul Coia, but her accent was experimented on in a hail of screams and lightning, Frankenstein style, until it died and came back as a zombie, except it’s pronounced ‘zoahowambee’ now for some fucking reason.

Five most striking policy proposals

  • The hateful, racist, transphobic US TV series Friends to be banned
  • All citizens must kill at least six squirrels a month, and prove it or they die
  • The adoption of all Tory policies
  • Earth to be re-named Her-th
  • Clitoris to be re-named Clito-her

Boris Johnson – Conservatives

Boris Johnson lives in a fridge, and likes to kill poor people. He’s really rather fond of the ‘working class’, but only in this sentence:  ‘Tory policies to kill the poor are working! Class!’ When he isn’t shuffling around like a recently-divorced Dulux dog that’s been shoved inside an un-ironed suit, he’s riding his bike around London with all the grace and poise of Officer Doofy fucking a vacuum cleaner.

Look closely as Boris is out on the campaign trail and you’ll notice that his arms are robotic (remotely controlled by a hidden Michael Gove), and his real arms are secured behind his back with cable tie. This is to stop Boris from trying to fuck every married woman to whom he’s introduced, and to prevent him from giving the fingers to poor people.

Boris taught himself to read using old World War 2-era boys’ comics with names like ‘Adventurous Rascals’ and ‘Cor Blimey, the Gerrys Nicked Me Spyglass’, which is why he still says things like ‘bother’, ‘gosh’, ‘blimey’, ‘Whizzo’ and ‘black people are genetically inferior’. Both he and his dad like to write shite spy thrillers about floppy-haired fat cunts called Boris saving the world from the insidious evil of people who aren’t white, English, upper-class, floppy-haired fat cunts called Boris.

At university, Boris Johnson introduced David Cameron to the pig whose head he would later f***.

Former leader of the Scottish Conservatives Ruth Davidson has announced that she will go skinny dipping in Loch Ness if the SNP gain 50 seats in this election. Boris has admitted that’s the one thing he probably couldn’t wank to.

Five most striking policy proposals

  • Top up the winter fuel allowance for the elderly by giving them homeless people to burn
  • Boris to be given a pass from the rigours of actual leadership so he can just make spoof videos all day
  • All new tower blocks to be doused in paraffin and made of cardboard
  • Questions to be made illegal
  • The NHS to be sold to Saudi Arabia as a weapon

Nigel Farage – Brexit Party

The Brexit Party’s party political broadcast this year was just an old man in a British-flag-patterned suit and top hat standing on a cliff-top angrily kicking Rogan Joshs into the sea, as Nigel Farage glared menacingly on necking a pint of Belhaven Best.

Nigel used to be in charge of UKIP, which has now been disassembled and put into storage in a warehouse just outside Kent, occasionally checked on by people called Dick Brayne and Pat Mountain, who sound like they were invented by the Viz Letter’s Page.

When Nigel isn’t peddling right-wing, racist propaganda, lying to the working classes and feathering his own nest, he likes to peddle right-wing, racist propaganda, deceive the working classes and feather his own nest. He’s going to be on next year’s Strictly Come Dancing.

Five most striking policy proposals

  • Something, something, something racist
  • [gulps down a pint of Belhaven]
  • Those bloody eastern Europeans! [shakes fist]
  • I’m just like you, salt of the earth, I am [eats caviar from a £50 note]
  • Give the Queen a knighthood

Nicola Sturgeon – SNP

Nicola Sturgeon is irreplaceable. Literally. The SNP can only be helmed by people with fish, or fish-related, names, and until a prospective leadership candidate comes along called Johnny Halibut or Vicky Basking-Clark, they’re going to have to keep Nicola extra safe.

Nicola Sturgeon has infuriated rivals by continuing to answer questions put to her directly without obfuscation or deceit, something that has [Woah, woah, woah. This is supposed to be a ridiculous little article that mocks each of the parties equally. Your bias is showing a little here – Ed] [Em, I don’t have an editor. It’s just me. I write this website myself.] [Then who the fuck am I? Am I just a guy called Ed? – Ed] [I don’t know, man.] [What do you mean you don’t know? If I don’t actually exist then it must be you who’s typing these words I’m saying right now, right? – Ed] [You don’t have to keep signing off as Ed now that we’ve established you don’t actually exist] [I’ll bloody well do what I like! Anyway, stop obfuscating. Why are you giving the SNP and Nicola Sturgeon an easy ride here? It’s the measure of a good satirist that they can skew even their own heroes and preferences, you know – Frank] [I’m not a satirist though. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I tend to make lots of easy jokes about knobs and bodily fluids and things. And Frank? Really?] [Yeah, since I’m not Ed I figured I could be whoever I liked – Gandalf] [This is getting ridiculous.] [Answer the question! Why are you giving the SNP an easy ride? – Fozzy Bear] [Because the SNP is the party with the fairest and most progressive policies, and represents the best hope for Scotland, and Nicola Sturgeon is a decent, measured, intelligent, capable and consummate politician who actually seems to give a fuck about what she says and what she does] [….That’s not very funny, is it? – An elk called Richard] [No, I suppose it isn’t]

Happy voting, comrades.

General Election 2017: Use your vote, but use it wisely

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In the run-up to the council elections earlier this year Ruth Davidson posed on a mobility scooter, presumably as part of her campaign to raise awareness about how underdeveloped the Tory party’s sense of irony is. Really, Ruth? That’s like Thatcher trying to win over the working class by posing for the 1985 Socialist Worker’s calendar, lounging across a pit entrance, and naked except for a miner’s helmet and a puff of coal-dust on each cheek.

The Tory party – in both Westminster and Holyrood – is working hard to channel the spirit of an apparently remorseful abusive partner, swearing with all of its might that ‘this time things will be different’.  In the grip of delusional desperation in Scotland – and owing to a sense of sinister, Voldermortian assurance in England – the Tories are busy positioning themselves as the party of the disabled, the disenfranchised, the poor, the NHS, the working man. ‘I’ve changed, honestly I have, you’ll see, I love you, I don’t want to lose you. I promise that this time I won’t beat the absolute fuck out of you, and then cheat on you with the posh bit of stuff up the street.’

I can understand why the guy with the monocle from Monopoly would vote Conservative, but why has the party enjoyed such an upsurge in popularity among the working class? Why are people who rely upon the NHS, a healthy welfare state and a large swathe of well-funded, publicly-run services (particularly in the care sector) essentially voting for their own destruction by embracing a party that is, at root, ideologically opposed to all of these things?

Our predominantly right-wing media is partly responsible for this state of affairs, of course, that steady drip-feed of lies, hysteria and manipulation masquerading as news and comment. Look on in envy, Kaiser Soze, because yours is no longer the greatest trick ever pulled, son: tabloid newspapers are owned by billionaires and staffed by middle-class urban professionals, but somehow the working class is convinced that they speak for them. This same mentality runs rampant in America, as evidenced by its people hailing a heartless, ruthless billionaire, who built his billions on the broken backs of millions, as a man of the people (It’s not even clear that Donald Trump is a person, much less a man).

It also seems to me that the thunderous orchestra of social and political issues that makes up the soundtrack to our dizzyingly complex and hectic lives has been reduced to one single, deafening scream: BLOODY FOREIGNERS! “I don’t want these bloody Poles and P***s using our bloody NHS!” Well, take heart, my frightened, reactionary friend. You keep voting like this and the NHS won’t exist anyway. Who knows, maybe that’s been the agenda/evil plan all along.

As a little aside, it also amazes me that most of the British nationalists and unionists I’ve encountered – the ones with streaks of racism in them so prominent they’re actually visible from space – have also been, almost unfailingly, great admirers of the Queen.

“LONG LIVE THE QUEEN!” “FOR QUEEN AND COUNTRY!” “I BLOODY LOVE THAT WOMAN!” Ah, a violent, semi-literate alcoholic skinhead with a hair-trigger temper. I’m sure the Queen will be inviting you round to the palace for tea and cucumber sandwiches any day now. Again, she’s a billionaire who sits on a throne and wears a crown. I don’t know what part of that makes Davey from Possil imagine that their love and respect is somehow mutual. The Queen probably wouldn’t piss on most of us if we were on fire.

Our charred corpses, on the other hand…

“Well,” people in Scotland might say, “I need to vote Tory to keep that wee dwarf Sturgeon out. She only cares about making Scotland independent!”

It seems a bit churlish to lambast the leader of what is ultimately the ‘We’re Committed to this Very Specific Thing’ Party for being committed to a very specific thing. Spoiler alert: yes, the SNP is pretty keen on Scottish independence, primarily because it’s our last, best hope to conduct and manage our affairs in line with our political, economic and social needs and aspirations. But the SNP isn’t a one-trick pony. Its manifesto also embraces civicism with a heavy smattering of socialism, something most people would know if they ever had occasion to hear Nicola Sturgeon talk without some arsehole shouting ‘BUT WHAT ABOUT INDEPENDENCE, DWARF?!’ at her every three seconds (I don’t think poor Nicola finish her breakfast without somebody asking her if she intends to grant self-determination to her cornflakes).

Do you really want to vote for Theresa May: a wobble-voiced Thatcher-lite who looks like she’s trying to regurgitate an albatross each time she laughs? Or Ruth Davidson, a passionless politician with the soul of a middle-manager?

The old saying goes that the longer we live the more right-wing our views become: we start off as idealists, and crusaders for justice, but evolve into bitter, jaded cynics as we come to the painful realisation that the world is a great, immutable sink-hole of unfairness, indifference and cruelty (In fact, wait, isn’t that actually a line from the Tory manifesto?).

So if a leftist is capable of transitioning from left to right, then what the hell kind of moral journey does a Tory undertake as he or she advances into their twilight years? How much more ‘right’ can ‘right’ get?

Do you really want to find out?

England: vote for Corbyn, come what May.

Scotland: Be Ruthless.

**Hey, wait a minute. It’s finished? But what about Scottish Labour? Well, exactly.