As I walk through the alley at the back of DFS
I have a puff on my pipe, and start to feel depressed,
Cause I’ve been wearing big diapers for so long
That even my doc-tor thinks that my ass is a scone.

But I just ate a croissant… and now I feel intertia.
Me be speeding to my bunk, get my under-wear off,
Cause I gotta watch what I’m wearin’, and how I’m walkin’
Or me and my boners might just wilt like stalks.

I really hate to trip, but my knee just locked,
Is it broke – cause I think I just fell right into folk?
Fool, call emergen-cee, my brittle bonies gonna stee-rike.
Doin’ pees in the night, though I can’t really stand right.

Been spendin’ most my life livin’ in a house that’s modified
Been spendin’ most my life livin’ in a house that’s modified
Keep spendin’ most my life livin’ in a house that’s modified
Keep spendin’ most my life livin’ in a house that’s modified

Look at the cost of livin’ they got me facin’
I can barely raise my knife, butter’s nine-ninety-five,
So I gotta be down with the cou-pons,
Too much television watchin’ so I’m on pile cream.
I’m a constipated fool with honey on my mind
Got my pen in my hand cause I’m signin’ with Sky,
I’m a choked-up grandpa, Lemsippin’ harder,
And my Hovis is brown to not inflame my canker;
Fool, death ain’t nothin’ but a wet floor away
I’m livin’ life do or die, what can I say?
I’m 86 now, but will I live to see 87?
I think that I’m gonna move to Devon.

Tell me why are we so blind to see?
It’s that War-time case of French VD.

Been spendin’ most their lives shoppin’ in the Aldi’s canned goods aisle
Been spendin’ most their lives shoppin’ in the Aldi’s canned goods aisle
Keep spendin’ most their lives shoppin’ in the Aldi’s canned goods aisle
Keep spendin’ most their lives shoppin’ in the Aldi’s canned goods aisle

First I have a toffee, then a lemon sour,
Lick a little sherbert, that’s really killed an hour.
My head is really done in, I miss my dear wife’s cookin’,
When ah’m alone in the kitchen, a pasta I be nukin’.

They say I gotta learn, but the grandkids get all preachy
But I can’t understand it… how’d I work my TV?
They’re little c***s, but they don’ know,
They’re out the will: my fun-e-ral will be funny as fuck, fool!

Been spendin’ most his life eatin’ petrol station Ginster pies
Been spendin’ most his life eatin’ petrol station Ginster pies

Keep spendin’ most his life livin’ in the Grandpa’s paradise
Keep spendin’ most his life livin’ in the Grandpa’s paradise

Tell me why are we so blind to see?
It’s our cat-a-racts, and pleurisy,
Tell me why are we so blind to see?
It’s our cat-a-racts, and pleurisy.