• If you stare into a mirror and say ‘Brexit’ five times Boris Johnson appears behind you and runs you over with a bus emblazoned with his outrageous lies.
• Nigel Farage has since admitted that his antipathy towards Europe was all just a silly misunderstanding. It was the band ‘Europe’ he didn’t like.
• Ministers think they’ve cracked the issue with the Irish border. They’re going to try splitting Ireland up and down the way, instead of across the way. Sure there won’t be any problems there.
• How much Brexit would a Brexiteer Brexit if a Brexiteer could Brexit Brexit? Nobody knows.
• Brexit will happen at midnight on the 29th of March 2019, unless John Major can defuse the Brexit Countdown Clock in time, which he’ll probably do with one second to spare, and then Edwina will want to pump him again. Also, don’t feed Brexit after midnight, or get it wet. Same applies to Anne Widdecombe.
• The part of Brexit that Jacob Rees-Mogg is most looking forward to is turning Britain into a massively de-regulated sweat-shop that makes trainers for the Chinese.
• Brexit’s real name is Brian Exitano.

• Most people think that the negotiation process is rather dull, but it isn’t. All disputed items on the Brexit list are settled with a bit of a wrestle, and a slimy one at that. For instance, an agreement on common agricultural policies was only reached once Michael Gove and Angela Merkel had wrestled naked in a vat of hot kale for six hours (the agreement was that none of the spectators would ever have, or even think about, sex ever again).
• Brexit isn’t the end. A leaked Downing Street memo has revealed draft policy papers with titles like ‘What can we Brexit from next?’; ‘Asking for a Friend: How much Brexit is too much Brexit?’ and ‘Brexit in Space???’
• It’s a common misconception that Brexit was caused by stupidity, ignorance and a hatred of brown people. This isn’t true. Don’t forget black, Irish and Polish people, too
• Theresa May is tipped to appoint as her new Brexit spokesman the 2003 Iraqi Information Minister Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf.
• Once we Brexit and the NHS is sold off to American investment bankers and insurance companies, resulting in cancer treatments costing patients up to £70,000 a go, Boris Johnson is confident that Britain will then be able to take advantage of this unique opportunity and start producing ground-breaking TV shows like ‘Breaking Bad’.
• The Queen couldn’t give a fuck about Brexit.
• David Cameron has now been driven so far underground that the only person capable of finding him is Theresa May the next time she curtsey-splits for one of the Royals.

• Everything will be more expensive after Brexit, but Boris Johnson is already trying to encourage a bit of optimism through his new campaign slogan: ‘Free rats for every cunt!’
• The two most likely candidates for the pre- and post- Brexit top spot are Bojo, a man who looks like the Honey Monster after a difficult sixth divorce, and Jacob Rees-Mogg, a man who looks like a Victorian undertaker tasked with burying himself. It’s a little known fact that Jacob Rees-Mogg’s top-hat is made from six-hundred leather-bound begging letters written by suicidal job-seekers, while his monocle is made from the frozen tears of a thousand malnourished urchins.
• If Brexit becomes a reality, Scotland will almost assuredly declare independence from Westminster, yet remain part of the EU. The Scottish people will then spend their days sitting on the newly rebuilt Hadrians Wall (which will have been erected by a Polish work-crew) eating tapas and croissants, and generally rubbing it in as over the border the price of a loaf of bread rises to three babies and sixty rats.
• Jacob Rees-Mogg reportedly celebrated Brexit by privatising his birthday party. He invited tenders for bouncy castle hire, opted for the most expensive one at £500,000 a bounce, and hired Saatchi and Saatchi to design his birthday cake at a cost of £12 million. He then declared bankruptcy half an hour before the end of the party. His guests were still able to enjoy a £6m bowl of jelly thanks to the £1bn tax-payer bailout he received in order to successfully complete his birthday party on time.
• Other names considered for Brexit were: ‘Something something something foreigners’, ‘Fuck the Poor’, ‘One world cup, two world wars and a Brexit, doo dah, doo dah’, and ‘Dave’.
• Jacob Rees-Mogg has already prepared his speech in the event that he’s the next post-Brexit prime minister. “Hahahahaha. Hahahahahahaha. HAHAHAHAHAHA! AHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHA! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
• It’s generally accepted that the European Union was formed as a sneaky way for Germany to win World War II when no-one was looking. The real story, only recently discovered, is rather juicier. In 1953 a little Gibraltan boy watched as his mother was struck and killed by a stray banana thrown by a drunken monkey, the bendiness of which was a direct factor in her death. That Gibraltan boy was none other than Alfonso Europe. As he grew, Europe dedicated himself to amassing wealth, power and prominence. He eventually became a billionaire, and established the EU for the sole purpose of having his vengeance upon bananas, and all who would eat them.

Or it was the Jews. Actually, I think it was the Jews. Had to have been.