Everything I Watched and Read in 2020

Another year, another pointless list of the media I’ve consumed that no-one really cares about, but that I’m foisting on you nevertheless. I started keeping these lists as of the beginning of 2019, and give a lengthier account of my motivations HERE. Suffice to say, I’m really rather anal. Without any further ado, then, here are my lists, with a little blurb at the end of each to spraff about some of the entries and crown my favourites.

Books

The Strange Death of Europe – Douglas Murray Beloved – Toni Morrison Abandon – Blake Crouch
The Art of the Deal – Donald Trump The Radleys – Matt Haig The Alchemist – Paulo Coelho
The Secret Life of Cows  – Rosamund Young Hitman Anders and the Meaning of it All – Jonas Jonasson The Long Utopia – Stephen Baxter and Terry Pratchett
The Long Cosmos – Stephen Baxter and Terry Pratchett The Death of Expertise – Tom Nichols Storm of Steel – Ernst Junger
Slapstick or Lonesome No More – Kurt Vonnegut Captive State – George Monbiot Hastened to the Grave – Jack Olsen
The Body Snatchers – Jack Finney Monday Begins on Saturday – Arkady and Boris Strugatsky Everything She Ever Wanted – Ann Rule
On Palestine – Noam Chomsky & Ilan Pappe The Institute – Stephen King Girl, Woman, Other – Bernardine Evaristo
The Fault in Our Stars – John Green In the Still of the Night – Ann Rule Love in the Present Tense – Catherine Ryan Hyde
The Caves of Steel – Isaac Asimov Occupation Diaries – Raja Shehadeh Convenience Store Woman – Sayaka Murata
Scratchman – Tom Baker (AUDIO) Winter Moon – Dean Koontz Killing for Company: The Case of Dennis Nilsen – Brian Masters
The Handmaid’s Tale – Margaret Atwood

I absolutely adored Girl, Woman, Other. Unsentimental, unpreachy, utterly convincing. It’s astounding how well Bernardine Evaristo embodies such a wide cross-section of female characters, of all different ages, classes and ethnicities, managing to pull together their (seemingly) disparate stories – powerful enough as vignettes in their own right – and interlock them into a strong and hopeful coda. A real eye-opener.

If we’re talking powerful, what a punch Beloved packed. Toni Morrison tells a visceral, haunting story that makes you sick to your stomach then sick to your soul; a tale of brutality and escape and birth and death and sacrifice and stolen humanity, the horror of it all wrapped in language so incongruously eloquent and beautiful that it serves to amplify the agony and accentuate the senselessness. It always astounds me that people dismiss slavery as if it weresome biblical indiscretion, when its horror is achingly recent. If some Scots still carry the faint scars of Culloden, then I think African Americans are entitled to their pain, given that the path from slavery to the civil rights movement to last year’s BLM has given the wound plenty of chances to re-open and bleed afresh.

The Fault in Our Stars … what an unexpected delight. It’s funny, raw, honest, real, and tragic, and laced through with almost molten layers of humanity. Five stars out of five. No faults there. Very few books have made me cry, and this was one of them, and then some.

Now, on to sci-fi, a genre of which I’m exceedingly fond. Monday Begins on Saturday is a strikingly novel work of the imagination, but it was rather too dense for my liking. Better were the simpler stories and stripped down prose to be found in Finney’s seminal sci-fi classic The Body Snatchers – a real paranoia-filled page turner – and Asimov’s The Caves of Steel – some real thoughtful, engaging, golden age sci-fi.

The funnies? The Radleys is a blast. It’s a sometimes funny, sometimes poignant tale about discontented suburban vampires reckoning with their pasts, that has a lot to say about teenage kicks, mid-life crises and the ticking time-bomb of truth that sits at the hearts of even the most seemingly mundane of middle-class families. Hitman Anders and the Meaning of it All is a brilliant, laugh-out-loud farce, peopled with fascinating and frustrating characters. If you like swipes at organised religion and the gullibility of the masses served with copious amounts of booze and underworld hitmen in rural Sweden, then this is the book for you.

The best book I read this year, though, was Margaret Atwood’s The Handmaid’s Tale. I’m in awe of her prose. Every page is a delight. At least once every few phrases or passages I found myself muttering internally that it was time to quit writing, because I’d never be able to conjure such rich images or evoke such real and strong feelings as Margaret Atwood. Plus, the chilling world she conjures, and the small degrees by which we’re separated from worlds like it, seems all too frighteningly plausible in 2020/1. The book is as much a work of peerless literary genius as it is a stark warning.

Graphic Novels 

Zenith: Phase Four – Grant Morrison/Steven Yeowell Pussey – Daniel Clowes
Rumble – Volume 1: What Colour Darkness – John Arcudi/James Harren/Dave Stewart Deadpool: Volume 6 – Duggan/Posehn/Lucas
The X-Files/30 Days of Night – Niles/Jones/Mandrake I Hate Fairyland – Volume 2: Fluff My Life – Skottie Young
I Hate Fairyland – Volume 3: Good Girl – Skottie Young AD: After Death – Scott Snyder & Jeff Lemire
Doctor Who: Third Doctor: Heralds of Destruction – Paul Cornell/Christopher Jones Postal: Volume 4 – Matt Hawkins/Bryan Hill/Isaac Goodhart/K. Michael Russell
Preacher: Volume 1 – Garth Ennis/Steve Dillon Preacher: Volume 2 – Garth Ennis/Steve Dillon
The Boys Omnibus: Volume 1 – Garth Ennis/Darick Robertson Doctor Who/Star Trek: The Next Generation: Assimilation2 Volume 2 – Tipton/Woodward/Purcell
Infidel – Pichetshote/Campbell/Villarrubia/Powell Chew: Volume 1: Taster’s Choice – John Layman/Rob Guillory
Chew: Volume 2: International Flavor – John Layman/Rob Guillory Transmetropolitan Vol 1: Back on the Street – Warren Ellis/Darick Robertson
Transmetropolitan Vol 2: Lust for Life – Warren Ellis/Darick Robertson Transmetropolitan Vol 3: Year of the Bastard – Warren Ellis/Darick Robertson
Transmetropolitan Vol 4: The New Scum – Warren Ellis/Darick Robertson Transmetropolitan Vol 5: Lonely City – Warren Ellis/Darick Robertson
Avengers vs X-Men – Jason Aaron, Brian Michael Bendis et al Southern Bastards Vol 1: Here Lies a Man – Jason Aaron/Jason Latour
Southern Bastards Vol 2: Grid Iron – Jason Aaron/Jason Latour Southern Bastards Vol 3: Homecoming – Jason Aaron/Jason Latour

There’s an embarrassment of riches out there in comic-land and I’m still very much playing catch up with compendiums from years gone by. What I can say is that I picked up some volumes of Preacher and I bloody love it, more so than it’s TV adaptation. Ditto, so far, with The Boys, although the TV version of Homelander still reigns supreme.

The seedy, grubby, gory, all-out bonkers future world depicted in Warren Ellis’s Transmetropolitan, in which half-mad gonzo journalist Spider Jerusalem plies his trade with the help of rivers of raging bile  and a steady supply of narcotics is a non-stop thrill-ride of invention, heart, hilarity, caustic commentary on contemporary ills, and some truly disgusting shit. It’s like 2000AD meets George Orwell on methamphetamine.

The best graphic novel I read in 2020, though, was Southern Bastards. I didn’t want it to end. It’s what Elmore Leonard would’ve produced if he’d written graphic novels. It cleaves just close enough to cliche to make you think you know what it’s all about, and what’s coming next, but it’s resolutely its own, very modern, beast. Compelling; compulsive; cinematic; dark and deliciously morally grey; it’s both an earnest love-letter to and a big fuck you to the deep south of America. Read it.

TV Shows

Old (watched in 2020 but older shows that didn’t debut in 2020)

The Man in the High Castle S4 Documentary Now S3 Outlander S4
Schitt’s Creek S1 Schitt’s Creek S2 Schitt’s Creek S3
Schitt’s Creek S4 Schitt’s Creek S5 The Expanse S4
The Marvellous Mrs Maisel S2 The Marvellous Mrs Maisel S3 The Purge S1
The Purge S2 Limmy’s Show S2 Don’t F*** With Cats S1
Final Space S1 Final Space S2 The Boys S1
The Umbrella Academy S1 You S1 You S2
The Witcher S1 What We Do in the Shadows S1 Derry Girls S2
The Confession Killer S1 Good Omens S1 Love on the Spectrum S1
Cobra Kai S1 Cobra Kai S2 Good Girls S1
Good Girls S2 Doom Patrol S1 Making a Murderer P1

It’s all about Cobra Kai, right? A show that on paper looked like a sure-fire dud, but defied expectations to become one of the best and most popular new shows of recent years. Who would have thought that the Karate Kid had so much mileage in it, and that Johnny Lawrence – a walking 1980s time capsule – would become a hero for our times? Elsewhere, I gorged on, and loved, The Boys, kicking myself for not having watched it sooner. Likewise Schitt’s Creek, which quickly became one of my favourite comedies and possibly one of my favourite shows, full-stop, of all time. I also disappeared down the Making a Murderer rabbit-hole a few years later than everyone else. I’ve since watched the second season, too, and while I believe that the police and the prosecution team are hiding something, and there are gaps a mile-wide in the evidence and the timeline, I’m not sure I believe that Avery is innocent. That trailer park of his is like The Hills Have Eyes. Is it possible he did it, covered his tracks and then the police moved the ‘evidence’ into place, planting a few bits and bobs along the way, to secure conviction?

New TV Shows 2020

The Good Place S4 Vikings S6 Part 1 Doctor Who S12 The Outsider S1
Bojack Horseman S6 Avenue 5 S1 Curb Your Enthusiasm S10 Star Trek: Picard S1
Tiger King S1 Modern Family S11 Red Dwarf S13 Better Call Saul S5
Ozark S3 Brooklyn Nine Nine S7 The Conners S2 After Life S2
Future Man S3 Westworld S3 The Simpsons S31 Bob’s Burgers S10
Locke & Key S1 Rick and Morty S4 Space Force S1 Jeffrey Epstein: Filthy Rich S1
Schitt’s Creek S6 Floor is Lava S1 Fear City: New York vs The Mafia S1 What We Do in the Shadows S2
The Midnight Gospel S1 I May Destroy You S1 Marvel’s Agents of SHIELD S7 The Umbrella Academy S2
Muppets Now S1 Mrs America S1 Des S1 Jurassic Park: Camp Cretaceous S1
South Park Pandemic Special American Murder: The Family Next Door The Boys S2 Star Trek: Lower Decks S1
The Walking Dead Season 10 Part 2 Ratched S1 Lovecraft Country S1 Archer S11
The Haunting of Bly Manor S1 Last Week Tonight S7 Good Girls S3 Real Time with Bill Maher S18
Spitting Image 2020 S1 Fear the Walking Dead S6 Part 1 Truth Seekers S1 Vikings S6B
The Mandalorian S2 Big Mouth S4

I’m not going to say too much about 2020’s new shows, because I’m going to be covering these in more depth in the next week or so. Make up your own mind for now.

Movies (all movies, not just those new in 2020)

A Shaun the Sheep Movie: Farmageddon (2019) The Money Pit (1986) The Birds (1963) The Addams Family (2019)
Sponge Bob Square Pants: Sponge Out of Water (2015) Ready Player One (2018) The Death of Stalin (2017) Jumanji: The Next Level (2019)
Playmobil: The Movie (2019) Pacific Rim: Uprising (2017) Modern Times (1936) Fahrenheit 11/9 (2018)
The Lion King (2019) Knives Out (2019) Terminator Dark Fate (2019) Sonic the Hedgehog (2019)
City Lights (1931) The Mummy (1931) The Gold Rush (1925) Star Wars: Episode II – Attack of the Clones (2002)
Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge of the Sith (2005) Star Wars: Episode VII – The Last Jedi (2017) The Boy Who Would Be King (2019) The Circus (1928)
Blackfish (2013) Jo Jo Rabbit (2019) Abducted in Plain Sight (2017) Zombieland: Double Tap (2019)
Onward (2020) Megamind (2010) My Neighbour Totoro (1988) Doctor Sleep (2019)
Rabbit Proof Fence (2002) Mean Streets (1973) Scoob (2020) Crawl (2019)
Train to Busan (2016) Teen Titans Go To The Movies (2018) Two by Two (2015) The Peanut Butter Falcon (2019)
I See You (2019) Death Valley: The Revenge of Bloody Bill (2004) The Conjuring (2013) Curse of the Scarecrow (2018)
Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom (2018) Rampage (2018) Annabelle (2014) Borat Subsequent Moviefilm (2020)
Johnny Gruesome (2018) Coraline (2009) Venom (2018) Spongebob Squarepants: Sponge on the Run (2020)
The Platform (2019) His House (2020) The Silence (2019) Jason and the Argonauts (1963)
Alien Xmas (2020) Soul (2020)

A lot of disappointments for me this year. Zombieland 2 was more like a hollow amateur cover album than a continuation of the fun, kinetic spirit of the original. Star Wars continues to tank on the big screen, at least in the opinion of this former goggle-eyed kid of the 80s (thank Christ for The Mandalorian). Borat 2 had some funny moments, and a good pay-off, but felt, overall, a bit inconsequential, which is something I never thought I’d say about a Sacha Baron Cohen project. Thank God, then, for Train to Busan, a movie I missed the first time around, and which was every bit as good as I’d been led to expect. Just when you think the zombie genre has had its day, along comes this nightmarish motherfucker to reawaken parts of your adrenal gland you’d long thought were shut off. Netflix’s His House was really good, a highly effective, well-acted horror with powerful messages about love, loss and identity along the way. Jo Jo Rabbit, of course, was fantastic, but you probably already know that. Hitler has never been so much fun; although the trailer belies the tragedy and pathos that form the spine of the film – as well as being funny, it’s also deep and richly moving. For feel-good laughs and a strong performance from Shia LaBeouf that reminds you he’s so much more than the dude from Indiana Jones 4 and Transformers, I entreat you to seek out The Peanut Butter Falcon, even if it does have an implausibly saccharine ending (maybe I’m just an old cynic).

I watched a lot of old(er) movies with my young kids, including a raft of Charlie Chaplin flicks I’d never seen before. Modern Times is the one that made them laugh the hardest, especially the scenes in the factory at the beginning. It’s nice that some things really are timeless. We also watched Rabbit Proof Fence early in the year, and even today, without prompt, my eldest son, Jack, asked me how many miles the girls walked in the movie. It’s obviously stuck with him, just as it’s stuck with me. It’s a beautiful movie that provides a happy, hopeful ending that wasn’t really matched by the reality that followed its events. Even still, inspirational stuff, and bravura performances from the mostly young cast.

Movies watched before/again

Star Wars: Episode V – The Empire Strikes Back (1980) Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace (1999)
Star Wars: Episode VII – The Force Awakens (2015) Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story (2004)
The Fifth Element (1997) Avengers Endgame (2019)
Ghostbusters (1984) Ghostbusters 2 (1989)
Back to the Future (1985) Back to the Future 2 (1989)
Back to the Future 3 (1990) The Muppets (2011)
The Karate Kid (1984) Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure (1989)
Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey (1991) Groundhog Day (1993)
A Muppet’s Christmas Carol (1992)

I watched most of the above with my kids. I can’t tell you the joy it brought me to see them start spouting catchphrases like ‘Great Scott!’, ‘He slimed me’, ‘Wax on, wax off’, ‘Party on, dudes’ and ‘Necessary? Is it necessary for me to drink my own URINE?’ Okay, I probably shouldn’t have let them watch Dodgeball, but there you go.

Groundhog Day is one of my favourite movies of all time. Again, it felt nice to see my eldest son so enraptured by it, and so receptive to its message of always trying to better yourself as a person.

Everything I Watched and Read in 2019

At the end of 2018 I had a grand – and grandly anal – plan to document all of the media I absorbed over the coming year: every snatch of radio listened to in the car or in the kitchen; every newspaper edition skimmed or dissected; every scholarly or dastardly article accessed through social media; every movie, book, TV show and TED Talk.

OCD was a major catalyst, as was undoubtedly an almost volcanic geekiness, but I was also deeply interested in discovering whether the information and entertainment I absorbed had any influence over my beliefs and biases, or whether my tastes simply reflected long-ingrained patterns of thought and feeling. It was all set to be a fascinating experiment. There was just one flaw – a pretty significant one, as it turns out.

I simply couldn’t be arsed.

So what follows is a reduced list of only the main modes of media I absorbed, which will be of little to no academic use to anyone, and scarcely much use to me, the author. I suppose it’s useful as a yardstick to measure your own media use, and to work out if my tastes endear me to you, or make you want to smash me in the face with a dead shark. Books, then, and movies, and TV shows and stand-up performances. There will be no extended mention of the magazines and newspapers I read on a regularly basis – Private Eye, Empire, The National – or the websites I frequent – Rolling Stone, Den of Geek, The AV Club – or the radio stations I listen to – BBC Radio 4, The American Family Network (for a laugh). I’ve also left out the books I read to my kids every day, and the episodes of Classic Doctor Who we watch every morning over breakfast, plus the innumerable cartoons and dubious YouTube videos we watch together.

Without any further waffle, then, let’s dive in to 2019’s media round-up (with some best-of lists to follow in due course).

Books

The Sopranos Sessions – Matt Zoller Seitz & Alan Sepinwall The Long Earth – Terry Pratchett & Stephen Baxter
The Long War – Terry Pratchett & Stephen Baxter The Long Mars – Terry Pratchett & Stephen Baxter
The Shining – Stephen King Doctor Sleep – Stephen King
The Flood – Maggie Gee Lust Killer – Ann Rule
The Big Bounce – Elmore Leonard Get Shorty – Elmore Leonard
Everything I Never Told You – Celeste Ng Reaching Down the Rabbit Hole – Allan Ropper & BD Burrell
Killer Clown: The John Wayne Gacy Murders – Terry Sullivan with Peter T Maiken Great Apes – Will Self
Killers of the Flower Moon – David Grann Running with Scissors – Augusten Burroughs
Black Dogs – Ian McEwan Jonathan Livingston Seagull – Richard Bach
Trumpocracy: The Corruption of the American Republic – David Frum Where Men Win Glory – Jon Krakauer
The I-5 Killer – Ann Rule I Saw a Man – Owen Sheers
The Word for World is Forest – Ursula Le Guin The Incredible Adam Spark – Alan Bissett
Munich – Robert Harris The Secret Life of Movies – Simon Brew
TV (The Book) – Matt Zoller Seitz & Alan Sepinwall

Books in progress (I never read one at a time)

The Strange Death of Europe – Douglas Murray Beloved – Toni Morrison
The Art of the Deal – Donald Trump Storm of Steel – Ernst Junger
Captive State – George Monbiot On Palestine – Noam Chomsky & Ilan Pappe

Graphic Novels

Doctor Who: The Lost Dimension Vol 1 Trees, Volume 1: In Shadow
Trees, Volume 2: Two Forests Zenith: Phase One
Zenith: Phase Two Zenith: Phase Three
Starve Vol 1 – Brian Wood Starve Vol 2 – Brian Wood
MARVEL: What If – With Great Power… Old Man Logan – Millar, Bendis & Lemire
Back to the Future: Untold Tales & Alternate Timelines Palestine – Joe Sacco
Watchmen – Alan Moore & Dave Gibbons

TV shows

New in 2019

The Walking Dead S9 Part 2 American Gods S2
True Detective S3 The Orville S2
Star Trek Discovery S2 The Good Place S3
Russian Doll S1 After Life S1
You’re the Worst S5 This Time With Alan Partridge S1
Santa Clarita Diet S3 The Tick S2
Gotham S5 Future Man S2
Modern Family S10 Bertie and Tuca S1
The Simpsons S30 Brooklyn Nine Nine S6
Game of Thrones S8 Barry S2
Fleabag S2 Designated Survivor S3
Stranger Things S3 Archer S10
Marvel’s Agents of SHIELD S6 Orange is the New Black S7
Mindhunter S2 Krypton S2
GLOW S3 Undone S1
Legion S3 Fear the Walking Dead S5
Preacher S4 Bob’s Burgers S9
Surviving R Kelly S1 The Deuce S3
The Affair S5 Big Mouth S3
American Horror Story S9 Last Week Tonight S6
It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia S14 The Walking Dead S10 Part 1
Real Time with Bill Maher S17 The End of the Fucking World S2
South Park S23 Mr Robot S4
The Mandalorian S1 Watchmen S1

Older shows

Outlander S3 The Haunting of Hill House S1
Vikings S5 American Gods S1
American Horror Story S8 Fleabag S1
The Deuce S2 The Expanse S3
American Crime Story: The Assassination of Gianni Versace S2 The End of the Fucking World S1
GLOW S2 The Affair S4
I Am a Killer S1 Doctor Who S11
The Dreamstone S1 Derry Girls S1
The Marvellous Mrs Maisel S1

TV Shows in progress (season incomplete)

Outlander S4E11 Documentary Now S3E5
Modern Family S11E8 The Conners S2E9
The Simpsons S31E10 Bojack Horseman S6E8
Bob’s Burgers S10E10 Rick and Morty S4E5
Vikings S6E4 Final Space S1E3
The Good Place S4E9 Schitt’s Creek S1E4
The Man in the High Castle S4E4

Stand-up

Dave Chapelle – Sticks & Stones (2019) Norm MacDonald – Hitler’s Dog, Gossip & Trickery (2017)
Bill Burr – Paper Tiger (2019) Hannah Gadsby – Nanette (2018)
Chris Rock – Tamborine (2018)

Movies

First time

Bird Box (2018) What We Do in the Shadows (2014)
Get Out (2017) The Public Enemy (1931)
A Dog’s Way Home (2019) Honey I Blew Up the Kid (1992)
A Quiet Place (2018) Blockers (2018)
Captain Marvel (2019) How to Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World (2019)
Spiderman: Into the Spiderverse (2018) Ant-Man and the Wasp (2018)
Avengers: Endgame (2019) Tangerine (2015)
Where the Wild Things Are (2009) The Strangers (2008)
Behind the Curve (2018) Toy Story 4 (2019)
North by Northwest (1959) Murder Mystery (2019)
Bumblebee (2018) The Queen’s Corgi (2019)
Shazam (2019) Trainspotting T2 (2017)
Creep (2014) Fighting With My Family (2019)
John Wick (2014) Child’s Play (2019)
Pacific Rim (2013) Spiderman: Far From Home (2019)
Philophobia (or the Fear of Falling in Love) (2019) Wild Rose (2019)
Joker (2019) Us (2019)
John Wick 2 (2017) Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle (2017)
The Irishman (2019) You Were Never Really Here (2017)
The Drop (2014) Justice League (2017)
Paddington 2 (2017) John Wick 3 Parabellum (2019)

Already Watched, Watched Again

Hellboy (2004) Hellboy 2: The Golden Army (2008)
Toy Story 3 (2010) Trainspotting (1996)
Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (1997) Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me (1999)
Austin Powers: Goldmember (2002) Mrs Doubtfire (1993)
Kindergarten Cop (1992) Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (1992)
Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981) Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope (1977)

See you back here next year, douchebags.

My 22 Resolutions for 2019

Come at me, 2019, you numbery bastard!

  • Spend more time with the people I love, despite what that restraining order says
  • Train to become a dentist, and then realise that’s a lot of hard work, so just do it as a hobby instead
  • Start rearing donkeys – it’s getting too dangerous to do oral with them
  • Learn how to juggle, and then just never juggle again, as a snub to hard-working jugglers everywhere
  • Stop kicking the cat so much
  • Come up with a better nickname for my eldest child than ‘The Cat’
  • Get a cat
  • Kick it
  • Develop more and more ingenious ways of smuggling sic (sic) into my writing. Eyema (sic) puppy when I get going. Would you like a pup(sic)le? Nah, fuck that. I’m sick (sic) of it already.
  • Get my new child’s toy – the Trama-Doll – into shops. One lick, and your kid’s guaranteed to sleep through the night. And maybe the next night too.
  • Develop a time machine, and use it to go back in time to change the previous item on this list to something really embarrassing that will make my younger self look like an absolute prick
  • Go back in time again to just after the point where my future self has altered item number ten, and delete it.
  • Go back to 2008 and destroy the time machine so this can’t happen again. Hide for ten years until the 31st of December 2018 and then resume normal life
  • Get angry at myself for not doing something a little cooler with the time-machine, like turning up to a young John Wayne Gacy’s birthday party dressed as a clown, giving Karl Marx a £60,000 Rolex for Christmas, or taking a camera back to get footage of Christ’s crew(sic)fiction.
  • Take the kids on holiday to France. But then realise how expensive that is, so just bribe everyone in a small hamlet in Perthshire to wear berets, and walk around clutching baguettes, and saying ‘ze’ instead of ‘the’ for a week. The daft little bastards will never be able to tell the difference.
  • Learn to cook with cats – either using them as ingredients, or teaching them how to work the oven, whichever is funniest
  • Kill Kenny
  • Aim to have a city named after me within the first six months of 2019
  • Get bored with that by March, and then just change my name to ‘Dundee’
  • Hit the Jim (sic) more often. Jim’s such an irritating cunt.
  • When people comment that I’m out of shape, remind them that I’m actually a full ten years older than I am thanks to a time-travelling accident.

And below are last year’s cluster of resolutions, which of course I stuck to most rigorously.

  • Become a tiger. This is not a metaphor. I’m going to become an actual tiger. I just need to find the money for the surgery. Then I need to learn how to play golf. Which will be difficult with four paws, but that’s part of the challenge.
  • Pose nude for page 3. Any amateur can do that in the Daily Sport. I’m going to do it in Angler’s Monthly. Catch THAT, JR Hartley.
  • Become nationally famous for the catchprase: ‘WOAH! WHO ORDERED THE SPANISH FRITTATA OVER HERE, AM I RIGHT?’
  • Reduce The Krankies by three-quarters.
  • Get Pixar to commission my sequel to ‘Up’. In ‘Under’, a grief-stricken Russel will take to the clouds for one final adventure atop Mr Frederickson’s balloon-powered coffin, with only the stuffed corpse of his talking dog and 600 paracetemol for company.
  • Steal money and then invest it ironically. I’m especially looking forward to funding a golden archway for Peta’s headquarters using McDonalds’ billions, and launching the Vatican’s new condom: ‘Pope one on, Pope it up.’
  • Become a Scientologist. And then escape from them, and get my own TV show about it. Which will be co-hosted by a quarter of a Krankie.
  • Become a celebrity medium, and then wait long years for Les Dennis and Beyonce to die so I can use my fucking brilliant jokes (‘If he’s up there, I’ll give you the money me’self’ and ‘Are y’all here for the Seyonce?’) and then retire.
  • Run for parliament. And then at the last minute veer off so I don’t break my nose or get shot by armed police.
  • Not die. I’ve been pretty good at this one so far.