Cunt of the Week (13 September 2012) by Hannah Baillie

It was a relaxing, lying-sweating-in-your-bed-eating-a-chicken-n’-mushroom-pot-noodle-with-the-blinds-shut Sunday morning. I was lying alone (no change there) and began flicking through my Sky box. As I’m sure most of you know, there’s not a huge amount going down on the telebox on the Sabbath day, as of course most television producers are out taking part in communion.
Just as I was about to shove a fork up my nose (to create some actual decent entertainment) a Blast-Fae-The-Past flashed before my eyes. I skipped merrily down memory lane. My heart and mind were engulfed in nostalgia. My very CHILDHOOD AROSE FROM IT’S GRAVE!!!!! Well, OK: Supermarket Sweep came on. Now, I’m only 20, but I still remember this show from my old skiving school days like it was yesterday.
For those of you who may not be too familiar, Supermarket Sweep was a game show filmed in the late 80’s/early 90’s,  hosted by fake tan guru, Mr. Dale Winton. The concept is pretty simple (yet hilarious): six contestants are given three trolleys with which to run around a supermarket (studio full of food donated by Asda) so they can pile as much food as they can into them. The winner is whoever has the highest priced contents in their trolley when it’s tallied up at the checkout.  Now, let me make this clear: a bit like how I feel about my mother, I’ve got a love-hate relationship going on with this show.
On the one hand, it’s a fun, unique game show that’s pumping full of adrenaline with giddy, up-for-a-laugh contestants. On the other hand, it’s a cheesy pile o’ pish that features a bunch of pastel-coloured-jumper-with-scrunchie’s-in-their-fluffy-90’s-hair-wearing douchebags that are seen jumping up and down like retards thinking that 200 quid is going to change their lives.
But is that the entirety of what sweep has to offer when the contestants are seen going ‘wild in the aisle’?! Of course not!  Our palm-tree-tie wearing Winton also sets these bucktoothed souls a couple of challenges along the way; whether it be scooping up a bag of Pick N’ Mix, or an inflatable bonus.
The remaining four that go away without winnings are not left with nothing. Dale gives them a gift no amount of money could buy in my most favorite part of the show: the end credits. After Dale says, ‘Now remember, next time YOU’RE at the checkout, and you here this beep *beep beep*, think of all the fun YOU could be having on SUPERMARKET SWEEP!’
And then all the contestants, along with Dale, begin waving, and waving……. and waving and waving and waving and waving, until the cameras cut. I always fantasize about which of the penniless contestants is going to sue the show for repetitive strain injury on their wrist.
I hope you enjoyed my cunt.  Thank you and good night.

Hannah Baillie

THIS WEEK’S GUEST WRITER Hannah Baillie is 20 years old, and exists in Edinburgh. She is currently studying hairdressing but one of her passions – if not her main passion – is comedy! Now and again you’ll maybe see her in some Joseph Fritzel basement of a pub, telling ‘jokes’ on a Friday night. After completing high school she worked part-time as a For-Midgets-Only prostitute (HANNAH BAILLIE FUN-FACT – She’s fucked The Time Bandits, and jerked off the wee one from Game of Thrones), in order to save money to travel round America.

Whilst in the US she got to work aiding Mexican illegal midgets across the border into America in shopping trolleys. Baillie called it ‘liberation’. The FBI called it ‘kidnapping and sexual assault.’ When feds apprehended Baillie in Texas she was dripping with dwarf goo and shouting: ‘What use are those stupid wee T-Rex hands on my muff?’

Realising that there was more to life than being enthusiastically tea-bagged by scores of tiny men, Hannah decided that she’d be quite good at scalping people instead. So, if you look like you’ve been made love to by a bush, backwards, and like a wee ch ch chuckle vision along the way….why not find Hannah’s salon and say HI… But don’t say HI HO.