During lockdown I wrote Paper Mountain: a dystopian novella inspired by the coronavirus. I want you to write something inspired by the coronavirus, too. A limerick: as funny, foul, searing or serious as you like. Send them to me by the end of August, I’ll read them, judge them – boy will I judge them – and the best three will win a prize, and be published on this blog to be read by less than 25 people and a handful of automated Russian and Chinese sexbots. You lucky lot.
Prize pool is as follows:
- An empty packet of Frazzles once enjoyed by Ant (ate 60 per cent) & Dec (ate 40 per cent)
- A full set of ITV News at Ten action figures, including the rare ‘Helicopter-Attack Trevor MacDonald’
- The complete box-set of ‘The Only Way Is Essex’ melted down and fashioned into the shape of a dog poo
- A dog poo
- A luxury VIP weekend at Butlins’ Skegness where you’ll share a chalet with Nigel Farage, the cast of Eldorado and a spaniel named Gary
- A selection of Dot Cotton’s fag ends
- A crown made entirely from McDonalds’ plastic cutlery, speckled with Jesus’ blood
- A tiny top hat and tails suitable for a wasp
- A scarecrow with the face of Katy Hopkins that’s been banned in 147 countries
- Brian Blessed’s bruised and battered bicep
- Brian Blessed’s bat and ball for the baseball building he built
- The book: “How to Use Alliteration Effectively,” by Brian Blessed
- A signed photo of Uncle Albert from Only Fools and Horses (it’s been signed by Mr T)
- A statue commemorating the moment a brave turkey ended the life of the cruel tyrant Bernard Matthews, which is due to be torn down next week because the turkey once said something problematic on Twitter
- A haunted Emu puppet that comes to life at night to vanquish the last of Rod Hull’s mortal enemies
- Two squirrels that have been surgically altered to resemble Morecambe and Wise
- A dead octopus that’s wearing a chef’s apron
- A sample of my DNA
- Half of one of the Krankies (your choice)
- A signed photo of my local butcher
- A signed copy of my novella plus a guaranteed free copy of my upcoming paperback compendium Dad or Alive: The Hell and Happiness of Parenting
- A signed copy of my novella (signed under a false name)
- Fuck all
Unfortunately for you, only the final three items in this list are the actual prizes. Entry details below.
Send your limericks to theotherjamie@hotmail.co.uk by the 31st of August, and let fate do the rest.
Please share this far and wide, and do try your hand at a wee limerick or two.
If you don’t want to enter the competition and just want to check it out in paperback, or free with Kindle Unlimited, click the link here
Happy rhyming, douchebags.