Try this. It’s both impossible AND amusing.

You know the wee tune that goes, ‘Ole, ole ole ole. Ole. Ole!’ You know the one. But instead of saying ‘ole’ say ‘cockbag’, but really fast. And no cheating and slowing it down to achieve perfect diction.

Or just forget the tune and say ‘cockbag’ again and again, over and over, as fast as you possibly can. Unless your tongue’s from The Matrix you won’t be able to do it.

Because my girlfriend and I are very childish, and very possibly mentally retarded into the bargain (and because it’s better than actually talking to each other) we’ve been doing this for a good thirty minutes. Do try it. You’ll sound like the guy who records Donald Duck’s voice when its dubbed into Albanian. Or Popeye after a massive head injury.

Please feel free to email recordings of your attempts to theotherjamie@hotmail.co.uk, if you’re really that much of a fuckwitt.