Tag Archives: Primary 2

Young Jamie – Confessions of a Serial Douchebag (Part 12)

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If you're old(ish) like me, this one will really take you back. Remember when WH Smith used to be called John Menzies, and all of their shops were inside blue coal bunkers? Those were the days, eh? They certainly don't make shops like that anymore, by God. In the olden days, you got yourself a few hundred magazines, dumped them in a big metal tin, buried them under a half-tonne of coal, threw in some kids, shut the lid, and waited with a bag of sweeties to see how many of them would make it back alive with a copy of the Beano. They're soft, the kids of today, that's their trouble. Doors on their shops? Windows? Breathable atmospheres inside them? Pah! Pampered pussies! Real men choked on coal-dust if they wanted to do something unforgivably sissy like reading. ** One important question springs to mind here. What in the name of Jesus WH Smith were tongue lashers and PADS? I've no memory of them whatsoever. It sounds like the sickest combination of words a horny young boy has ever typed into Google. Yet again, the teacher simply puts a bloody great tick against the work, questioning nothing. “Yep, tongue lashers and PADS, trapped inside a blue coal bunker, quite a typical weekend for you really, Jamie.” ** No alarm bells ringing, Mrs Teacher? None at all? Don't you think that instead of dismissing the obvious terrifying subtext of my writing you should've invested your time in composing an urgent note to my parents? -- “Listen, word to the wise, I think your kid's really, really fucked up. I mean really. Like, if he gave me an apple, I'd have it tested for strichnine, you feel me? Don't you EVER visit Colin again, right? Don't do it. FUCK Colin. And don't you ever leave that boy in that house alone again... especially if you've got live pets in there. These maniacs, they always start off with cats, before you know it they've stabbed the lollipop lady. If you do nothing else then for Christ's sake get a grip of this pads and tongue lasher thing and start taking a regular inventory of your sanitary drawer.”

If you’re old(ish) like me, this one will really take you back. Remember when WH Smith used to be called John Menzies, and all of their shops were inside blue coal bunkers? Those were the days, eh? They certainly don’t make shops like that anymore, by God. In the olden days, you got yourself a few hundred magazines, dumped them in a big metal tin, buried them under a half-tonne of coal, threw in some kids, shut the lid, and waited with a bag of sweeties to see how many of them would make it back alive with a copy of the Beano. They’re soft, the kids of today, that’s their trouble. Doors on their shops? Windows? Breathable atmospheres inside them? Pah! Pampered pussies! Real men choked on coal-dust if they wanted to do something unforgivably sissy like reading. ** One important question springs to mind here. What in the name of Jesus WH Smith were tongue lashers and PADS? I’ve no memory of them whatsoever. It sounds like the sickest combination of words a horny young boy has ever typed into Google. Yet again, the teacher simply puts a bloody great tick against the work, questioning nothing. “Yep, tongue lashers and PADS, trapped inside a blue coal bunker, quite a typical weekend for you really, Jamie.” ** No alarm bells ringing, Mrs Teacher? None at all? Don’t you think that instead of dismissing the obvious terrifying subtext of my writing you should’ve invested your time in composing an urgent note to my parents? — “Listen, word to the wise, I think your kid’s really, really fucked up. I mean really. Like, if he gave me an apple, I’d have it tested for strichnine, you feel me? Don’t you EVER visit Colin again, right? Don’t do it. FUCK Colin. And don’t you ever leave that boy in that house alone again… especially if you’ve got live pets in there. These maniacs, they always start off with cats, before you know it they’ve stabbed the lollipop lady. If you do nothing else then for Christ’s sake get a grip of this pads and tongue lasher thing and start taking a regular inventory of your sanitary drawer.”

Young Jamie: Portrait of a Serial Douchebag (Part 8)

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At first glance nothing seems to be too wrong with this picture. We’re going up to Tasha’s place to celebrate my friend’s (aka my step-sister’s) birthday. That’s normal, right? Wrong. Tasha’s a dog. I thought so highly of my step-grandparents that I airbrushed them from history, and even ascribed ownership of their house to a dog. Hey, it could happen in real life. I‘ve certainly dealt with solicitors dodgy enough to embark (geddit!!) on such deals: ‘Well, Rover, do you want to accept the offer of £45,000? That’s one bark for yes, two for no. Oh, and lick your balls if you want me to take an extra ten per cent… Goooooood.’ Never mind that, though. Let’s admire my grasp on reality through the medium of artistry. Hmmmm. Interesting picture. Tables, as we all know, needn’t rest exclusively upon floors. They can also be stabbed into a dog’s back; all the better to transport yellow hedgehogs that have been set alight. Looking at the picture itself my main question would have to be: what in the name of Jesus were we about to do to Tasha the dog? Maybe I’d watched Animal Farm on VHS, but the wrong one. You know… the bad one. Don’t pretend you don’t know the one I’m talking about. I’m pretty sure George Orwell never included a chapter about a women being pecked in the minge by a duck, or a guy being whacked off by a chimp. If you haven’t seen the naughty version of Animal Farm, here’s the tagline for the movie: ‘All animals are sexy, but some animals are more sexy than others.’

At first glance nothing seems to be too wrong with this picture. We’re going up to Tasha’s place to celebrate my friend’s (aka my step-sister’s) birthday. That’s normal, right? Wrong. Tasha’s a dog. I thought so highly of my step-grandparents that I airbrushed them from history, and even ascribed ownership of their house to a dog. Hey, it could happen in real life. I‘ve certainly dealt with solicitors dodgy enough to embark (geddit!!) on such deals: ‘Well, Rover, do you want to accept the offer of £45,000? That’s one bark for yes, two for no. Oh, and lick your balls if you want me to take an extra ten per cent… Goooooood.’ Never mind that, though. Let’s admire my grasp on reality through the medium of stick drawings. Hmmmm. Interesting picture. Tables, as we all know, needn’t rest exclusively upon floors. Tables can also be stabbed into a dog’s back; all the better to transport yellow hedgehogs that have been set on fire, apparently. How bizarre. It looks like the dog is serving an unusual canape at a really fucked up version of the Ambassador’s reception: ‘Ah, meester dog, weeth thees charred woodland mammal you are really spoiling us!’ Looking at the picture itself, though, my main question would have to be: what in the name of Jesus were we about to do to Tasha the dog? Maybe my young self had just been corrupted by watching Animal Farm on VHS, but the wrong one. You know… the bad one. Not the one that’s an allegory about totalitarian states. Don’t pretend you don’t know the one I’m talking about. You know, not the George Orwell one… I’m pretty sure Orwell never included a chapter about a woman being pecked in the minge by a duck, or a guy getting whacked off by a chimp. If you haven’t seen the naughty version of Animal Farm, here’s the tagline for the movie: ‘All animals are sexy, but some animals are more sexy than others.’

Young Jamie: Portrait of a Serial Douchebag (Part 7)

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What I love about this entry is the tone of persecution, and the stubborn refusal to accept any responsibility whatsoever. DAMN YOU GOD! WILL THOUEST NOT BE SATISFIED UNTIL I HAVE NOT ONE UNRIPPED KNEE IN MY SCHOOL TROUSERS? Clearly I hadn’t stolen my sister’s sand timer, and clearly I hadn’t then broken it. Don’t you see? I was fitted up! Not an amazing re-enactment of the crime in any case. It looks like a black skittle with rolling pins for arms is about to smash up a warp core. GREAT IDEA ALERT: kids should be employed to sketch up real-life scenes for Crimewatch. ‘Did you see an elongated stick man with fire for hair and bikes for legs acting suspiciously in Norwich town centre last Friday? We’d like to hear from you.’

What I love about this entry is the tone of persecution, and the stubborn refusal to accept any responsibility whatsoever. DAMN YOU GOD! WILL THOUEST NOT BE SATISFIED UNTIL I HAVE NOT ONE UNRIPPED KNEE IN MY SCHOOL TROUSERS? Clearly I hadn’t stolen my sister’s sand timer, and clearly I hadn’t then broken it. Don’t you see? I was fitted up! Not an amazing re-enactment of the crime in any case. It looks like a black skittle with rolling pins for arms is about to smash up a warp core. GREAT IDEA ALERT: kids should be employed to sketch up real-life scenes for Crimewatch. ‘Did you see an elongated stick man with fire for hair and bikes for legs acting suspiciously in Norwich town centre last Friday? We’d like to hear from you.’

Young Jamie: Portrait of a Serial Douchebag (Part 4)

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OK, so I was 6 years old and my mum let me watch Billy Connolly. So what? Exposure to Billy Connolly at such a young age had no fucking effect on my fucking development what-so-fucking-ever, so get fucked on that score if that's your fucking argument, you fucking bastard. You're nothing but a wee fucking jobby. Anyway, I told my teacher about it in my diary, and she didn't seem to give a fuck, so that's okay. I really like how I've really nailed Connolly in this picture; it's like looking at a photograph of him. Not a single real-life detail is left out, from his blue face and Ming the Merciless beard, to his naked yellow body and massive, heavily bleeding gash wound across his neck and shoulders. It's like a van Gogh (only by virtue of the blood running down Connolly's face and body). Anyway, he's one of my earliest comedy heroes, and if he knew back then that his routines would act as an inspiration for my own forays into stand-up, he probably would have killed himself.

OK, so I was 6 years old and my mum let me watch Billy Connolly. So what? Exposure to Billy Connolly at such a young age had no negative fucking effect on my fucking development what-so-fucking-ever, so get fucked on that score if that’s your fucking argument, you fucking bastard. You’re nothing but a wee jobby. Anyway, I told my teacher about it in my diary, and she didn’t seem to give a fuck, about the possibility of me picking up naughty fucking words or becoming more aggressive, so what in the name of shite’s cunt are you getting involved for, pal? Hmmm. I really like how I’ve nailed Connolly in this picture; it’s like looking at a photograph of him. Not a single authentic detail has been left out; from his trademark blue face and Ming the Merciless beard, to his naked yellow body and the massive, heavily bleeding wound across his neck and shoulders. It’s like a van Gogh – not the artistic style – mainly because of the blood running down Connolly’s face and body. Oh, and we all know how much Connolly hated conventional stages back in the early days, preferring instead to tell jokes on top of a giant log. Anyway, he’s one of my earliest comedy heroes, and if he’d known back then that his routines would act as an inspiration for my own forays into stand-up, he probably would have killed himself.

Young Jamie: Portrait of a Serial Douchebag (Part 3) The Robot

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Another sneaky peak at my school days, from the pages of my Primary 2 diary jotter. Today: behold, the robot!

Ok, let’s just get this out of the way, yeah? There’s an elephant in this room. A giant, cock-shaped one. So let’s grab it with both hands: my ‘robot’ has a helmet for a head (complete with Japseye-slit); a shaft for a body; and both of these parts are resting atop a big set of squishy, flattened balls. All that’s missing is the fountain of jizz gushing whale-like from its head. There are some deviations from the classic form, of course: penises typically don’t have accordion-esque robot arms dangling from them, or have ‘VULGAR’ written across them. Jesus, what a name to pick. VULGAR. How Freudian. I might as well have called it DIRTY BAD NAUGHTY PLACE. I wonder why the teacher corrected all of the spelling mistakes, but never bothered to write: ‘Jamie, you’ve clearly drawn me a big cock, you wee pervert.’ She graded it G for good, and then awarded me a star. Maybe, in those pre-internet-porn times, the old spinster was just glad to be seeing a cock, however robotic its manifestation. ('Jamie - I want this robot in me. Mrs Snowdon) This whole diary entry raises many questions: Where did I make him put up his hand? And in what way did I make him ‘stick’? And, most pertinently of all, why was I writing about having a maths and sex orgy with a robot when I have never, ever owned a robot, toy or otherwise? And the teacher simply accepted my claim!? I said my family owned a super-intelligent sex-robot, and she just shrugged and gave me a tick? Sick-ass bitch.

Ok, let’s just get this out of the way, yeah? There’s an elephant in this room. A giant, cock-shaped one. So let’s grab it with both hands: my ‘robot’ has a helmet for a head (complete with Japseye-slit); a shaft for a body; and both of these parts are resting atop a big set of squishy, flattened balls. All that’s missing is the fountain of jizz gushing whale-like from its head. There are some deviations from the classic form, of course: penises typically don’t have accordion-esque robot arms dangling from them, or have ‘VULGAR’ written across them. Jesus, what a name to pick. VULGAR. How Freudian. I might as well have called it DIRTY BAD NAUGHTY PLACE. I wonder why the teacher corrected all of the spelling mistakes, but never bothered to write: ‘Jamie, you’ve clearly drawn me a big cock, you wee pervert.’ She graded it G for good, and then awarded me a star. Maybe, in those pre-internet-porn times, the old spinster was just glad to be seeing a cock, however robotic its manifestation. (‘Jamie – I want this robot in me. Love, Mrs Snowdon’) This whole diary entry raises many questions: Where did I make him ‘put up his hand’? And in what way did I make him ‘stick’? And here’s the biggest problem. I claimed to have a robot. I was lying. Not only did I claim to have a robot, but I claimed to have a super-intelligent cock-shaped sex robot. Again, I was lying. Furthermore, they don’t exist. Why was I not challenged on this? My teacher was either a) a lazy, stupid, cock-daft deviant, or b) a big fan of Rocky 4.

 

Young Jamie: Portrait of a Serial Douchebag (part 2)

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Here’s another diary entry from my Primary 2 jotter.

OK, first thing's first, the 12th of November is not near Christmas. You'll have to forgive my poor sense of time perspective. I hadn't started masturbating yet, and so had nothing to fill the void between special occasions. I probably thought December the 26th was pretty near Christmas. Anyway, I seemed to be really looking forward to getting this gorilla suit, ostensibly so I could swap it for a Santa suit.

OK, first thing’s first, the 12th of November isn’t near Christmas. Please forgive my poor sense of time perspective. I hadn’t started masturbating yet, and so there was nothing to fill the void between special occasions. I probably thought December the 30th was near Christmas. What a little toy whore. Anyway, what’s the whole suit swap thing all about? Why did I believe that I could only hope to possess a Santa suit if I first donned a gorilla suit? Maybe gorilla is a soft gateway suit that leads you on to harder and harder suits, until eventually you’re way past Santa and standing infront of the Children’s Panel in a blue tutu and a diver’s helmet. In any case, a gorilla suit is WAY better than a Santa suit. What the fuck was I thinking? You can scare an old lady unconscious when you’re in a gorilla suit. In a Santa suit? Not so much. Unless it’s April and you’re carrying a knife. Speaking of Christmas-related violence, I can’t help but feel that the picture I’ve drawn isn’t that festive. It’s ostensibly a warm, happy picture of a family crowded around a fireplace on Christmas Day; but, if you look closely, I’m throwing my hands in the air and screaming in horror. And no wonder! At the left-hand side of the fireplace there’s a tubby, middle-aged guy showing off a whopping blue boner, and at the right-hand side of the fireplace there’s another guy with an even BIGGER blue boner – it’s longer than his legs, for fuck sake! And look again: the fireplace isn’t a fireplace at all, but a giant box with three massive locks on its lid that those rapey bastards are going to shut me in once they’re done perpetrating sex crimes on my young, black ass. Wait a minute… am I wearing a cat suit? That’s it, I’m phoning Esther Rantzen.