26 Fun Facts About Me

me

Fact number 1: Sixteen years ago I was thin, and slept with blow-up dolls.

  • Game of Thrones is loosely based on my life.
  • A lot of people think that my stamp collection is boring. Until they discover that it’s a collection of dismembered hands with night-club stamps on them.
  • I was once gang-raped by a flock of seagulls. Coincidentally, later that same day I quit my hobby of walking around town with chips selotaped to my naked body.
  • My great-grandfather was the first man to discover blinking. Before he came along, people just pure eye-balled each other all day long. That’s how World War I really started.
  • When I was a little boy, my mum quickly came to regret beseeching me to ‘shoot for the stars’, when she caught me on the garage roof with a sniper rifle trained on Mr Motivator.
  • I don’t know what a ‘bus’ is.
  • I wrote a sequel to the dictionary. It was epiflevently gartanstible for its time.
  • My grandfather fought in the All Mute Regiment during World War II, but I never found out until after he died. He didn’t like to talk about it.
  • Dick van Dyke was called Gavin Brown until he lost a bet with me.
  • I was the first one to discover that you can get better than a Kwik Fit Fitter, and, indeed, they’re not to be trusted.
  • I once worked as a funeral planner. At an open casket funeral in 2002, I put a fat corpse inside a specially-modified fridge instead of a coffin. Even though it was a masterpiece, and clearly apt as fuck, they fired me. Whatever. I went on to enjoy great success as a surprise conception planner. Well… that’s how I sold it to the judge, anyway.
  • WWJD actually stands for ‘What Would Jamie Do?’ The answer is simple: he’d blaspheme.
  • I was once briefly employed as a Somalian pirate.
  • I murdered my first hitch-hiker at the age of eight. My mum was furious when she found out. ‘What the fuck were you doing driving my car?’ she said. That was the end of that hobby. THANKS FOR NOTHING, MUM, YOU SELFISH BASTARD!! I tried my best to keep up the killing, but it was a lot trickier to dispatch victims when I was giving them a backie.
  • It was my idea to break up the former Yugoslavia when I was 11. I just didn’t like it.
  • My ejaculate tastes like mince and potatoes.
  • I scrawled my first novel into my mother’s placenta. It was called ‘askjhewbxdamadaasada.’
  • I once appeared in a vision to Derek Acorah, and told him what an arsehole he was.
  • When I was at primary school, I got six teachers pregnant. And two of them were male. I used to write ‘See ME after class’ on my jotters before handing them over. Because of that I ended up in The Guinness Book of Records as the world’s first adultophile.
  • Daniel O’Donnell once touched me here, here and here.
  • When I was young, my mum would black me up and make me go on stage to sing Al Jolson songs. It could’ve been a great career, but, sadly, illness got in the way. Every time she got the boot polish out I’d start crying, shouting, and shaking. The doctor diagnosed a serious case of pre-minstrel tension.
  • I had a recurring role in Eastenders, from 1993 to 2010, as the bust of Queen Victoria that sits in the pub.
  • I was once clinically dead for seven years.
  • I lost my virginity to the Queen Mother. She went to her grave not knowing this.
  • There used to be three Krankies, but I killed one of them.
  • My favourite hobby is whittling the faces of future victims onto chair legs. Wanking’s a close second, though.
  • I invented AIDS. It was only supposed to cull monkeys.
  • Michael Caine is named after me. Nobody at all knows that.
  • I can’t count to 26.